Why is my UT so pretty?

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ut3 teh sam3z0rz

I’ve got UT3. I’ve played the shit out of it. Surprised, right? I know, me too.

I’m not allowed to write a review on the thing because my editor isn’t very comfortable with sixty pages of what would likely be strikingly pornographic adulation being posted as a legitimate review. I don’t know that I could do anything like an objective review, though, so I guess he has a point. I am not kidding you when I say that I want to have sex with this game. No dinner, no movie, not even a few choice words about its pretty hoop earrings and swanky nightgown; my junk wants to be in this game’s trunk. Plain. Simple. END OF LINE.

This is the point where the adroit few of you take a small break while the remaining headshot fodder comes up with any way they can to make the above sound like I want to press up against dudes. I look at the game like a well kept woman, though. →  Fear the old posts.

Others help SNK shoot itself in the foot

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If you are a modern day SNK fan like me, you know the company has done absolutely squat to promote its games. The only one of recent memory to get a serious push was the original Maximum Impact, which featured a collectors edition, classy packaging, and ads during sporting events. Everything else, including MI’s far superior sequel, has had anywhere near the publicity. Every game has been a near silent release, to the point where people aren’t even sure of a solid release date. I have heard the faintest of buzz about Neo Geo Battle Colliseum, but this is completely the doing of fans and curious people who have been wondering why it has taken years for a port of it to show up.

Because of all this, Videolamer will be one of the first US gaming sites to review the American release of King of Fighters XI on PS2. A month after its release no less! Don’t believe me? Take a look at the metacritic page. →  In the beginning games created the heavens and the earth.

Shameless Propoganda (and some insight)

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This blog post is a bit off topic, but indulge me. I have the pleasure of being loosely associated with an upcoming independent film called “Look,” which is opening on Friday in a few cities (NYC and LA). The premise of Look is that there are 30 million surveillance cameras in America, which capture the average American 200 times a day. The movie is a fiction that covers several intertwining plotlines, with each scene shot from a hypothetical security camera: elevator cameras, convenience store cameras, even bathroom and changing room cameras.

What does this have to do with gaming? You’ll recall about a year ago there was a great deal of outcry when the Left Behind game praised Jesus too much. Actually, the Left Behind game had an embedded cookie tracker that would then deliver in-game advertisements tailored to your perverted (or not) needs. Many gamers found this to be distasteful and intrusive, when it’s really a reflection of larger problem. →  If you die in the article, you die in real life.

Review – Transformers the Game

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Before you get all doe-y eyed for the great video games that have come out in the past two months, and start swallowing the industry’s mandate that we can only have decent games around the pinnacle event of a religion that totally hates video games, lets take a minute and remember how fucking terrible the rest of 2007 was for video games. Starting with Transformers the Game.

Transformers the Movie was the cinematic equivalent of going to a space zoo and jumping into a pit of laser equipped alligators and beating them down with your cock. While on fire. While the Teen Girl Squad cheers you on. Transformers the Game is the video game equivalent of falling into the same crocodilian awesomeness, only to find your cock quickly chomped off. And you’re on fire. And you’re being cheered on by your ten-year old cousin – the ugly one.

Sadly, I belong to the most tormented group of gamers: those who still play licensed games. →  I can has post?

Review – Rock Band

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I spent the week of Thanksgiving on vacation, so I missed the debut of Rock Band. Thanks to .33 cents a minute shipboard internet, I was able to read Tony’s gleeful post about the scarcity of units available. Although I had reserved the game at Gamestop, bane of all video game stores, panic set in. Contacting my roommate, I asked him to see if he could procure my reserved copy from Gamestop, either through the kindness of the Gamestop employees (yeah right), or more likely, impersonating me.

Surprisingly, not only did my local Gamestop have enough copies, they also allowed my roommate to buy on my behalf (shout out to Sasha, the store manager of the White Flint Gamestop, for being 100x cooler than every other Gamestop manager. I hope corporate doesn’t find out and fire you). So it was the moment I arrived home on Saturday that me, my roommate, and two of my friends started playing Rock Band. Weeks later, we’re still rocking out (with breaks for eating and sleeping. →  [do not click]

Rock Band – The rant

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Ever since it was released, some folks have had it in their minds that Rock Band would destroy Guitar Hero. Their logic ranged from “It isn’t being made with greedy Activision at the helm” to “four instruments are better than two, amirite?” These wonderfully spun arguments failed to recognize important things, such as the fact that Rock Band was being published by greedy EA and that Harmonix is owned by greedy MTV. Nevermind the fact that the game would be a massive undertaking and was completed in less than a year. These warnings were not heeded by many. Caution was thrown to the wind. It was Rock Band or bust.

Congratulations; you just paid to beta test an unfinished and rushed game. Sadly, most people are doing it with a smile.

Rock Band centers around the idea of making you and your friends the center of the show. This isn’t about goofy avatars that we may not even like; now we can put ourselves directly into a game. →  Secread of Evermore

DS games on the go!

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So you have a DS but you don’t have the time to sink into long playing sessions. Or in my case, you have the attention span of a seven year old on crack. The whole concept of the aging process bringing patience is a lie and I’m living proof. When I was ten I could sit for hours and rock Final Fantasy 2 on the SNES, now I can barely sit through a thirty minute session of Phantom Hourglass. I think I am turning into more of a casual gamer and I know for sure that my mind is usually elsewhere when I flip the switch on my black-as-my-soul DS.

This does not mean that I don’t enjoy games anymore; I just don’t get overly involved in most of the games I play. Fortunately for me, the DS has an abundance of titles that fit very well into my lifestyle of mid-range commuting and chipmunk-sized bouts of concentration. Here is a rundown of ten games that are extremely fun but have fairly short play session requirements and fit very well into life on the go. →  Genghis Khan II: Clan of the Gray Post

Music fans + stupidity + internet connection = Rock Band forums

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Certain topics you just avoid in conversation unless you want to get into an argument with someone. Religion is one–I mean, why would you believe in a zombie who will save you if you eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you love him? Politics is another: let’s not even go there. Music can be a bit safer–but against fanboys, it’s probably worse than the other two. Some of my favorite witticisms include the hipster mating call, which is “I listened to this band before they were mainstream!” I saw this shirt on threadless.com: “I listen to bands that don’t even exist yet.” At any rate, music discussions are bound to bring up vicious debates as to what bands are talented, which suck, etc etc.

Why is this pertinent to gaming? Well, with Rock Band being out, the big anticipation is what songs will be available f or downloadable content (DLC) next. Now, let’s assume Rock Band will get the sales numbers that there will be new DLC (debatable), and transition into mass track publishing. →  Illiterates hate her! Click to read this one weird trick.

Review update – Mount&Blade

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It’s been over a year since my first article here on videolamer, in which I reviewed the PC Action/Strategy/RPG hybrid Mount & Blade. I didn’t mention it in the original review, but good old M&B is still under development. The version I reviewed was somewhere about 0.75; the current version, released just a few days ago, is 0.901.

And what changes have come! In .890, there was a major combat overhaul, the addition of three new factions in “vanilla” (the regular, un-modded game), as well as a troop tree for each faction. The game plays better than it ever has before; combat is quick without feeling unnatural, trading remains profitable, and veteran mercenaries are available early on.

For those who didn’t read my original review, a quick overview: Mount & Blade is a medieval FPS RPG. It looks like Morrowind (or Oblivion) but rest assured; it plays far more like an FPS. You’ve got troops and companions with you, so the battles play out in largish sides and you have control over yours. →  Sounds mildly entertaining, I guess.

Retrospectives – Metal Gear Solid series part 2

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Continued from part 1.

My first experience with anything related to Metal Gear was the MGS cover story in Next Generation Magazine. Like any feature on the game should have, the article mentioned that this was not a new series, but the resurrection of an old one. It even gave a brief history of the past Metal Gear games, which made me feel like hot shit in my eighth grade mind, as if I knew something the unwashed masses that would eventually buy the game never would.

Oh how wrong I was. Remember the amazing boss fight with Liquid Snake in the Hind D? Or how funny and strange it was to meet Meryl in the bathroom? How about those great fights in the elevator and the stairwell? We were all blown away by what seemed to be unique moments, but the truth is that Kojima was just refining his older vision. Metal Gear Solid was as much a project to bring Metal Gear 2 to 3d as it was its true sequel. →  Lose belly fat now!