Articles

Best Game Ever – Suikoden

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Growing up I always played games, but only recently would I have ever thought of myself as a “gamer.” I had a Nintendo for several years, then a Genesis, but until Playstation (and High School) I played mostly NBA Jam, and whatever the rest of the kids from school/the neighborhood were playing. This included a lot of games I would now scorn, such as games licensed from movies. I always noticed Genesis games on the shelves that looked as though they might be interesting due to the dragons and medieval knights on the covers, but I was apparently unable to take the plunge at the time.

He’s a goner.

Come high school, I met a bunch of people different from myself (basically I hadn’t met anyone not Irish- or Italian-Catholic) who did different things (other than play baseball and basketball). One of these was our friend Jay who was kind enough to lend me Suikoden and condescending enough to warn me repeatedly that there were periods with little action, a lot of reading, etc. →  Sounds mildly entertaining, I guess.

The videolamer game

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Last night I took a 20 minute break from my busy work day and designed a videolamer video game. It’s going to star the lamer guy (look at the top of the page, that stunning svelte green man is the lamer guy) in a Zelda-esque adventure.

The plot is something along the lines of the lamer guy jumps out of a monitor, leaves your bedroom (YES, YOUR BEDROOM!) and ends up in a randomly thrown together fantasy world full with Porn Hell (you’ll have to wait and see). I really can’t reveal too much because I don’t know how many rival designers are reading (according to my stat counter, four people have been here in the last week, but I assume the hundreds of designers who visit don’t use cookies).

And when I say I designed a game, I mean I drew a map. Something the common folk don’t know is that drawing a map is really 97% of what designing a game is. →  SaGa Frontier Readmastered

Chords and Kawaii: The State of the Music Genre – Part 2

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While the rest of the kids played DDR in gym, joey here was practicing chords and meeting groupies.

And now, I present The State of the Music Genre

1. Passing the Torch

Let’s take a quick look at what makes a game like Guitar Hero click. Rather than dancing on a pad, you imitate playing a guitar by pounding down on different buttons and keys on a plastic replica of a Gibson SG. There are chords, sustained notes, and a whammy bar for adding your own bit of personal flair. In order for the song to actually play, the player must correctly perform the notes, or else face failure. Particularly good play can net you Star Power, a technique that allows you to increase your score. As for future installments, it looks as if we will see music, more styles, and possibly even more instruments that will all be able to join together for a virtual jam session.

Now here’s the kicker; just about everything described above can be found in some form or another in a Japanese music game (I’m not sure if there’s an equivalent to Star Power, but I’m willing to bet that there is). →  Illiterates hate her! Click to read this one weird trick.

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Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 6.16.06

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Round 1: Uwe versus Alien!

Uwe Boll challenges his critics to a boxing match
The sad thing is my borough president challenged his competitor to a boxing match so whatever I say about Boll directly applies to someone with much more power. Actually, that’s not true. Guy Molinari may be as stupid as Boll and may think that punching people makes you smarter, more capable of governing, or more capable of directing than your opponent, but Molinari is not responsible for the Alone in the Dark movie. Uwe Boll is, and should be beaten up for it.


Blizzard denies working on MMO versions of Starcraft and Diablo
This means nothing other than Blizzard won’t officially say they’re working on these titles now.

ARR! Pirate DS carts
Want a game that doesn’t require your progress to be saved? Buy it pirated on eBay! I’m just kidding. And what the hell games are you playing that don’t save?

Following the hoards of illegal GBA carts, now we can buy poor quality versions of DS games. →  Final Post VII

The greatest video game mascot hands down in the history of the universe

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Who is the best video game mascot? Mario some would answer, but they’d be stupid and wrong. Mario is overweight, and obesity is a large problem in America. If you enjoy Mario’s plump antics, you obviously don’t enjoy America or freedom.

Sonic is another obvious choice, but he is bright blue and for children. Have you ever seen his cartoon show? Not the over serious ABC piece of crap, but the one with terrible drawings and life lessons at the end of each episode. While it’s respectable that his ultimate goal is to beat up a fat guy, he saves too many animals and cares too much about the planet on his journey. Sonic is a good choice for a six year old vegan, but not men like us.

Lara Croft is another popular pick. She is strong, athletic, smart, funny, and most importantly, has breasts bigger than her head. Who wouldn’t want a woman like that? There is one key problem that immediately eliminates her from this race, though. →  Shadow of the Article

Chords and Kawaii: The State of the Music Genre – Part 1

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I am going to describe two scenarios to you. For the first, imagine yourself walking along with me, as we enter my last DDR Rave I mentioned in yesterday’s introduction. We’re about to step into a college reading room, essentially a student lounge of sorts with comfy chairs and a large television. Normally the room is well lit and welcoming; you can go here to study and have some coffee.

How to make anything much lamer: add Mario.

Tonight, however, the space is pitch black. Before you even see it, you can here loud, pumping music of a strange sort. Techno? Maybe, but there’s something else to it. As you walk in, you look at the TV and are immediately hit with a barrage of lights, colors and a strange mix of …stuff. You aren’t sure what it is, other than being distinctly Japanese.

There’re a few cases of Mountain Dew on the near table, and a quite a few people sitting in couches by the screen, looking like pale and timid ghosts in the shadows, their faces only partially revealed by the glow of the TV. →  The happiest post on Earth.

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Chords and Kawaii: The State of the Music Genre – Introduction

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There was a point in my life, not that long ago, when I played Dance Dance Revolution. Of course, that could mean a lot of things. For all you know my DDR career could have been nothing more than me jumping onto a pad one night at an upperclassmen’s place after having a couple of beers and nothing to lose.

The truth is, that was only my first time playing. And you know what? It was quite a bit of fun. After that, and for about six months, not a week went by in which I didn’t get my dance on. But not with upperclassmen this time, but rather with hardcore DDR fans. They weren’t the best, but they ate up the entire series with gusto.

It has been six months since I stopped playing the game, having only once stepped on a pad in that time. I tried to make the most out of that one last play, but it was too late. →  Read awhile, and listen.

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 6.9.06

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Jaws Unleashed


Majesco makes money
I’ve written about this company a few times because they dared to take a chance on some creative games and nearly went bankrupt for it. Now they have a different direction that focuses less on making premium titles and more on making shitty games that sell. Their portable lineup is actually respectable, but with console titles like Jaws Unleashed, it won’t be hard to turn my back on Majesco and hope EA buys them out only to make them all sex slaves (they’ll be paid for 40 hours a week, but not for the overtime they put in).

Hillary Clinton’s Media Guide for Parents (complete with cute drawing of children)
Clinton basically suggests we read Common Sense Media’s take on media ratings. The Common Sense Media people are about “media sanity, not censorship.” This sounds a lot like the Islamic cartoon debacle to me. A lot of people who do lip service to the first amendment but then also say things like, “free speech must be responsible speech.” →  I only ask one thing. Don’t read in my way.

Making enemies move and shoot: An A.I. Primer part 1

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Okay, so after I read the conversation on A.I. between Jay and Christian, I started coming up with comments. Then I re-organized them, and kept coming up with more. Well before I felt I had addressed things enough to post a comment, I had the makings of a brief paper on A.I. as it applies to video games. That was when I spoke with Jay about just writing it up as an article instead of posting a several-page comment, and he said to give it a shot.

Unfortunately I tend to go a little nuts when A.I. is concerned, and so it’s now turned into what’s possibly a multiple installment piece. In this first bit, what I want to cover are the uses to which we put A.I. for video games. They break down nicely into three main categories: uses related to gameplay and mechanics, A.I. that contributes to then immersive experience of the game, and A.I. used for aesthetic reasons. →  Frankly my dear, I don’t read a damn.

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Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 6.2.06

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E3 awards
Wii wins best in show award. So this justifies Nintendo’s actions. When they eventually get trampled in the free market they can at least say, “Oh well, other industry people thought it could work, too.”

Spore won best PC game and best original game. Gears of War picked up a few awards, and the DS Zelda won best handheld. I’m happy to see Bioware’s Mass Effect won something, too, as I am in love with that company. I’m totally having their babies.

Analyst specultes on MS handheld
The Marketeer already broke the news that Microsoft was entering the handheld market.

Peter Moore has started a list of every backwards compatible Xbox game.

Backwards compatibility not a priority for MS
How convenient. Promise backwards compatibility, do a so so job (no Soul Calibur 2?), then after a good number of systems have been sold announce that people aren’t really interested in backwards compatibility and that you aren’t really interested, either. →  God of War: Readnarok