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Bad Design 2

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Last time I wrote one of these I said this entry would look at design flaws from Gladius, Second Sight and Kingdom Hearts. I hate to let down the droves of Second Sight fans, but this will have to wait until the third entry. Today I’ll be following in the strong tradition of the first article by covering a PC game, a console game and an older game. Also like last time, all are good or excellent games I highly respect. Now on to why they suck.
I want to be the Gentle Tom Boy, but it’s not on the list yet.

Tales of Symphonia: Excess Complications – I am a big fan of complex games. The more features and stats, the more I like a game, but even my madness has limitations. Tales has a few complications that I find excessive. The thing about excessiveness, though, is that if a feature is well implemented, if its placed into the gameplay nice and deep and it really matters, well then it isn’t excessive. →  Apply directly to the forehead.

For absolutely no reason, here is Golden Axe

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I learned how to ride a bike at 13, so it should be no surprise that it’s 2006 and I have now had my first experience with a digital camera. At this rate, I’ll kiss a girl by the early 2060s. Sadly, I do not own the camera, it belongs to my girlfriend (I know, that could easily ruin the last joke, but luckily for us, and Jesus, we believe in no touch love) but that hasn’t stopped me from taking as many stupid pictures as possible. The first pictures I took were of my video game collection, my crotch (soon to be featured on this site), and then my Golden Axe machine.

Having an arcade machine in a small apartment sounds like a great idea, but is it really? That depends on why you want it and how much effort you’re willing to put into the hobby. Prepare yourself for a tale of over ambition, poverty and sloth.

One day a few months ago, a coworker showed me an ad on Craigs List. →  Genghis Khan II: Clan of the Gray Post

Atheists case made for them

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50 Cent’s new game Bulletproof has sold over a million copies. I have not played the game, but despite this I will say it is bad. I wasted hours of my life watching Battlefield Earth just to be “objective” and guess what, everyone else was right. Bulletproof has bad to terrible reviews so I’m running with the idea that it sucks.

So what does this tell us about the industry, and if I can editorialize wildly and blow things hugely out of proportion, life itself? It says that image is not just 100% of what people look for because that implies a neutral stance towards knowledge. It implies people go out of their way to ignore reality, fight to maintain ignorance and probably should not be given the right to vote for their leaders.

When games like Psychonauts, Eternal Darkness, Ico, and Beyond Good and Evil have trouble selling thousands and pieces of crap like Bulletproof sell millions, you know that one of two things is true:

  • Whatever religion you believe in is a cruel joke.
 →  WELCOMETOTHENEXTARTICLE

Huge percentage of women cut from the video game industry

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A booth babe working hard to make this loser believe she gives a shit about posing with him.

This year the Nazis at E3 have decided on a new rule for booth babes. “Material, including live models, conduct that is sexually explicit and/or sexually provocative, including but not limited to nudity, partial nudity and bathing suit bottoms, are prohibited [at] the Show.” This means that if there even are booth babes at E3, they will be dressed like your mom (no, not your mom, Billy).

These women, these booth babes, are role models for young girls who dream of making it into an industry dominated by men. Even feminists applauded the booth babes’ efforts to shatter the glass ceiling with their large breasts, and feminists hate everything. But these women can always get a job at Hooters, the real victims of this tragedy are two more important section of society: men and children.

I won’t be able to attend this years E3 (prior engagement) and quite frankly, I think it’s better this way. →  Read it your way.

More Predictions, but these guys actually get paid for them

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Analyst Mike Wallace of UBS Securities is probably not a household name to even the nerdiest family. I doubt his parents remember who he is. They likely purged all memories of their son after reading one too many of his astounding stupid predictions about the video game market. I don’t know Mike Wallace, so I can’t say he is a bad guy, but if he doesn’t do anything besides come up with predictions and projections he changes every few months, he makes too much money.

Mike Wallace*
*Note that there is a slight chance this is a different Mike Wallace.

In a recent GameSpot news article, Wallace predicts that the Xbox 2 will maintain its lead over the other new generation systems. I personally think this is a bad prediction because 3rd parties sell systems and PS3 will likely still lead in that department, so I decided to look up some more of this dynamo’s prognostications.

Ah ha, look at what I found. →  Holy crap, show me more!

Bad Reviews

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I have read a lot of bad reviews, and not just on this site. There are things I feel should be mandatory in a good review besides just a breakdown of graphics, audio, gameplay and control. At worst, a review is nothing but three 80 word blurbs, half of each spent on being “funny” or about 300 words and then some pictures representing the reviewers feelings of the game, we in the biz call them emoticons.

Tell us who made the game. Mario Golf was not made by Nintendo, nor was Paper Mario. I cannot tell if this is due to a lack of research or if reviewers just think we don’t need to know. I guess their logic is that telling us Nintendo made a game is easier than telling us Camelot did. This is self satisfying since if they had been telling us the actual developers’ names over the last few decades then continuing to tell us wouldn’t confuse nearly as many people. →  The fuck does Cuno care about reading?

And the future shall be as so

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Five Predictions for 2006 by Billy

1. Sony and Microsoft are going to duke it out again for the mainstream. While Nintendo is going to fall further into its niche market. However, there will still be several interesting things to look for:

Will the lead Microsoft is taking now really matter, with their dirty shortages trick? Will Sony’s whole root kit thing and failure to use good memory storage really hurt them and allow Microsoft to rule the domestic US game market? I have a feeling that if Sony doesn’t amend its ways and stop the nonsense many game companies will pull out and work more with the Xbox people in an attempt to not lose sales. This will especially be a big deal next holiday season when Xbox 360 and PS3 are going for each others throats. I have a hunch that Sony will do its best to save face and eventually come out slightly bruised but ok, leaving the death struggle for the NEXT generation of system warfare. →  Can you read me now?

The state of videogame movies

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Uwe Boll has done it again with BloodRayne. Not since the blockbuster Alone in the Dark has a movie kept me so close to peeing in my pants at its sheer awesomeness. German superstar Boll shows promise of becoming the next Hitchcock, but don’t be surprised if in 50 years comparing the two directors is a major insult to Boll.

Those who question Majesco’s motives for licensing the BloodRayne property have been silenced. They clearly did not just sell their IP to anyone who would pay any amount of money for it. Majesco saw the same blinding aura of talent we all see in Boll and placed their faith in him accordingly. The company put the respectability of their character on the line for this movie and it paid off in a big way (the movie is almost as sophisticated as BloodRayne’s nude shots in Playboy).

BloodRayne’s tightly written story follows the dhampir Rayne (the title is a pun, do you get it?), →  They’re reading her… and then they’re going to read me!

The Year in Review Reviewed

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When I conceived this site I already knew I wanted it to be not just about games, but about the industry and game media. Actually, those high ideas came after my initial idea of, “If I have a site I’ll get rich, famous, and have 12 wives without becoming a Mormon.” But the thing about the different parts of gaming came soon after. To the cynic, which you should be unless you’re one of those brain-dead optimistic people, an article reviewing other websites material is simply a desperate gesture by a bottom feeder. I assure you that while this is true, I really am dedicated to the idea of reporting on reporting. So look forward to more articles on magazines and other sites (or just read other magazines or sites, they’re far better).

Major sites generally do an annual roundup and give out awards for the ending year. After reading Gamespot’s and Gamespy’s awards I have come up with some observations, complaints and kudos. →  Garou: Mark of the Posts

A New Years Resolution

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I hope everyone is enjoying their holiday, unless you don’t have any this time of year, in which case I suggest you get a better religion (preferably one that focuses on candles, bunnies, or gifts). I had an excellent vacation in NY with my family and friends and got to participate (or instigate) many video game related activities. I picked up Zelda Four Swords while doing some last minute gift shopping, forced Pat to play Fire Emblem in the terrible traffic on the ride home, then made our way through the Final Fantasy 12 demo (neither of us were impressed), spent an hour or two playing Metropolismania then got to 4 Swords. I also convinced my brother and brother in law to play Guitar Hero and got my brother’s girlfriend hooked on Wario Ware Twisted. Then for Festivus my girlfriend (finally) gave me Paper Mario 2 and Psychonauts. Then there was some other crap with a tree, family dinner, baking cookies, etc. →  Guitar Hero III: Legends of Read