Lara Croft

Review – Lair

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So, the critics have called this game unoriginal and unplayable due to its extra 21st chromosome technology control scheme. Harsh. They say the game’s opening monologue may as well have been ripped from the Fellowship of the Rings DVD. However there is a significant difference which qualifies this as “not a rip off,” when I’m-supposed-to-be-Cate-Blanchett gets to the part of the prologue where she introduces the uber-evil force that we’ll be up against. It’s not the giant fiery eye of Sauron or even a giant fiery uvula, but rather a volcano. Holy shit, volcanoes weren’t even in Lord of the Rings for at least two movies. How can those dicks over at every other game review site say this is unoriginal?

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That’s right, the evil that has torn apart the peaceful world of Dragonslairville is – volcanoes. In fact, the mere appearance of volcanoes has caused the citizens to abandon peace, prosperity and religious unity. Not since the playground was hot lava and my five year old hommies and I jumped from swings to slide to find safety have volcanoes struck so much terror into the hearts of no one with developed frontal lobes.
 →  Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Bore me and I sleep.

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 12.22.06

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Resident Evil 5 not coming in ‘07
1up has reported that the next proper sequel in the Resident Evil franchise will be coming in 2008, if not later. I don’t know where I’ll be living or working in six months and I’m supposed to care about a game that may not be out for three years? Human life probably won’t even exist by that point, and if it does, we will surely have evolved gills and other radical changes that will make gaming obsolete. Capcom might as well just say that Resident Evil 5 is never coming out.

Good games coming to the Virtual Console this Christmas
Some people have bitched about the low quality of Virtual Console titles. For every Zelda, Nintendo gives us a Solomon’s Key, Altered Beast and Tennis. They tell us that the VC will offer select gems but it is apparent that they’ll offer any crappy game they can get a license to.

Thanks for giving us games that sucked 20 years ago, Nintendo.

 →  Read or Alive 2: Hardcore

The greatest video game mascot hands down in the history of the universe

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Who is the best video game mascot? Mario some would answer, but they’d be stupid and wrong. Mario is overweight, and obesity is a large problem in America. If you enjoy Mario’s plump antics, you obviously don’t enjoy America or freedom.

Sonic is another obvious choice, but he is bright blue and for children. Have you ever seen his cartoon show? Not the over serious ABC piece of crap, but the one with terrible drawings and life lessons at the end of each episode. While it’s respectable that his ultimate goal is to beat up a fat guy, he saves too many animals and cares too much about the planet on his journey. Sonic is a good choice for a six year old vegan, but not men like us.

Lara Croft is another popular pick. She is strong, athletic, smart, funny, and most importantly, has breasts bigger than her head. Who wouldn’t want a woman like that? There is one key problem that immediately eliminates her from this race, though. →  Now you’re reading with power.

A call for womanly arms

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Any group put together by a company, whether it be New Kids on the Block or the Frag Dolls, should be highly respected.

Despite the Microsoft announcement at last E3 that women were going to be brought into the fold and the introduction of higher fines for scantily clad booth babes, women are still on the fringes of gaming. Slowly we approach equality, moving through the same motions as any fight for equality in any area.

First, there are the radical few. Small groups of women band together, screaming out that they are better than the boys. Thus the Frag Dolls and other such groups are born.

Next, comes the insistence that women are different and need games catered to them. Thus Barbie gaming is born. Barbie Fashion Designer actually outsold Mortal Kombat back in 1996 and broke every previous CD ROM sale record. Grrl Gaming becomes a thing in the early part of this century and then dies as Mattel buys out most of the creative stuff for girls out there. →  Some say the world will end in fire, some say in read more