Sometimes instead of sleeping, I am at work, eating, or watching tv. Those are just called days. But other times I am not sleeping but should be because it’s the middle of the night and my wife keeps yelling at me to stop using my phone. What she doesn’t realize is that I am about to stop looking at funny pictures and write something that will be of use to mankind for centuries to come, or at least fill some space on my website.
Today I present to you the results of a restless night that brought half a dozen stellar video game titles into my brain, as if sent from the cosmos, if the cosmos were really tired and somewhat incoherent. These names are being offered royalty free to any and all readers with the caveat I want my first and last name and the word “presents” before the title, ala Sid Meier but it’ll be less egomaniacal because it’s me. When appropriate, I have provided some advice on what sort of game each prospective name suits best because I’m not the kind of person who just writes a list and calls it a day. I write a list and a sentence and call it a job well done.
Serpentine Core – This is obviously the first in a series of serious games for the thinking person and is wholly original and not similar to Septerra Core, which although I owned as a child I never finished so how could I ever even think about it? Anyway, a core is usually like a solid ball type thing in most media but what if it were snake-like and had not sensuous, but evil curves? Pretty ominous, isn’t it? Gamers love to do things like shoot the core and visit the Corcoran Gallery while drinking hardcore cider. Bonus points if used for a religious game because serpents are in some of those bible books people seem to like.
Crystalline Shores – An obvious follow up to Serpentine Core. You may have noticed it rhymes, which makes it musical, especially if you keep both names and just throw a colon between them and also sing them. Serpentine Core: Crystalline Shores. Actually, nevermind. I’m not offering this one because I’m going to keep it for something like my new nickname; it’s too cool to give away. I’ll leave it here for, as the kids would say, a legal trizap. I may end up fighting Crystal Light in court if I use the name for a movie or diorama that contains brown bodies of water that appear to be primarily iced tea, but that’s my problem, not yours.
The Whore of Whoville – This may seem overly restrictive because it’s referencing a specific children’s book, but remember one thing – kids grow up. Five year olds may be too young to play as, or possibly hunt, the Whore of Whoville but soon they’ll outgrow the Doc and you’ll have a legion of angsty seven year olds pining to bring some serious firepower against those little Who freaks. I’m not sure about the copyright situation on this one but they all expire eventually, so I recommend the name be used on a AAA game with a standard development cycle of 16 years.
Skeletonne of Skelefun – The original premise of this piece was to offer excellent game titles guaranteed to lead to blockbuster sales, but this is another one that also comes with a free game premise – if you’re smart you’ve figured it out simply from the overly descriptive title. There are not a lot of games about fat skeletons, but approximately 91% of Americans are morbidly obese and 107% believe in ghosts. 73% of the half of those people who believe in zombies compose roughly 39% of the population with osteoporosis, and you know what that means. The next step is obvious to any aspiring developer, but not having that killer name is what stops them dead in their tracks. Not any more.
Black Nest: Countenance of Scorn – This is a good one for one of those cerebral games with reading in it, or maybe one with a character who says he’s on your side but later tries to kill you because the whole time he was working for The Verdant Obelisk, the underground group of cyber mages you’ve been trying to stop this whole time. How could you do this, Erankus, after you helped me bring Thelof the Broken Synapse Queen to justice moments prior to providing you with the QuanTum B.O.A.R.D. your home enclave needed to process polluted water into gasoline? Or maybe it would work for a game about birds.
MASSIVE: Chronicles of the October Cataclysm – Gamers will naturally abbreviate things any chance they get so this title will quickly become MCOC. Unfortunately, that sounds a lot like MCAT or some other hard test I cheated on. So you’ll want to be sure to make the word MASSIVE something no one abbreviates.
Honorable mentions:
Bucolic Cyanide
The Slender Fingers of Mr Muffler
Parmesan Pilgrimage!
The Staccato Beats of an Obsequious Heart
Stay tuned for the next night time revelations article, which will feature the best colors for eyes to see. Here’s a preview:
Red
Green
Yellow