posts by jay
jay

Nintendo – Honest designers or Japanese super ninja thieves?

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Today I stumbled upon my bag of E3 2005 crap. I hadn’t remembered it was under the bed right next to the box of Chick Tracts (kids love them!) A quick look through the pamphlets and goodies made me recall how much of a bloated orgy E3 was. Just how many more Sony key chains, FFVII Before Crisis monitor wipers, paper Sly Cooper 3D glasses, and Phoenix Wright branded cans of coffee did they expect to give out before the whole thing collapsed under the weight of hastily thrown together demos, rabid consumerism (yes, I fought someone for that can of coffee, and no, coffee should not be in cans), thudding bass and barely dressed women?

The answer was “one years worth.” E3 as we knew it is over and the industry is better off, but this is all irrelevant. →  Holy crap, show me more!

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 5.4.07

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Sony markets to teens
Sony decided this was a smart business move after analyzing the figures:
Selling games to 10 year olds = totally lame (Nintendo sux LOL)
Selling games to 14 year olds = awesome to the max (we rulz)

The All I want for Christmas is a PSP, Sony’s first attempt to market to teens, went over slightly better than September 11th. Most failed ads don’t bring in more customers, this failed ad led to current customers donating their PSPs to their walls at 15 MPH.

EA noticing Wii and DS appeal to kids, plans bad mini-game game to cash in
EA Playground appeals to “the kid in everyone.” How exactly did EA deduce this? There are the obvious things that appeal to kids but not adults, like finding the opposite sex disgusting and eating chalk. →  Read Read Revolution: Disney Channel Edition

New Wii games will not make current Wii games less terrible

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As you may have read, Nintendo recently announced the first party games they plan on releasing in Japan in 2007. Here’s the list:

-Donkey Kong Taru Jet Race (renamed DK Jet or DK Bongo Blast for the US)
-Wii Health Pack
-Disaster: Day of Crisis
-Mario Party 8
-Project H.A.M.M.E.R.
-Wii Music
-Super Mario Galaxy
-Super Smash Bros. Brawl
-Battalion Wars II
-Forever Blue
-Mario Strikers Charged
-Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
-Mario and Sonic at the Olympics

It’s about time, Nintendo, because there are a lot of terrible Wii games out right now. The Wii’s ratio of playable games to shit is nearly as bad as the Virtual Boys. Far Cry, Rapala Tournament Fishing, Wing Island, World Series of Poker, Rampage, and Wii Play are horrendous. Then there’s the licensed garbage like Happy Feet, The Ant Bully, Avatar, Open Season and SpongeBob. →  You may say I’m a gamer, but I’m not the only one

Kutaragi is Kutarazy

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Ken Kutaragi recently made it known that he has design ideas for the PS4. And the PS5. And the PS6. Based on Phil Harrison’s declaration that the PS3 is future proof, the PS4 should hit the market between about 84 thousand years from now and never. But even if you’re one of those cynics who don’t believe everything PR people say, you’ve got to figure the PS4 will launch around 2012. With five years each generation, that gives us the PS6 in 2022, a full 15 years from now.

Maybe Kutaragi has a knack for correctly interpreting Nostradamus, but he is probably just delusional. How could he possibly be planning anything beyond the color of the PS6 casing? Technology advances in fits and starts and is difficult to predict even without any unforeseen break throughs (cars, radio, TV, internet, The Clapper). →  Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing memory cards.

Creative writing, descriptive language and curse words do not automatically make a review good

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I apologize for linking to an old review of Twilight Princess. I only recently read it and feel compelled to comment. My first instinct was to write the entire review off as a cry for attention. While it may be, writing it off is the easy way out and allows the author the satisfaction of being dismissed, as opposed to critically assessed. So let’s discuss the merits of her positions.

Whether games are all ultimately very similar and it is only the façade of graphics, sound, and plot that differentiate them or whether the façade doesn’t matter because games are ultimately the game mechanics underneath is not a debate I am equipped to settle. I tend to come down on the side that the façade usually doesn’t matter and the mechanics are really what a game “is” at least 95% of the time (for example, Fumito Ueda titles may be in the remaining 5%). →  While there is a lower class, I am in it, while there is a criminal element, I am of it, and while there is a soul in prison, I am not gaming.

Goat of War

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In a shockingly candid interview with videolamer, Phil Harrison has granted us some insight into the often confusing world of Sony PR. The recent goat incident, in which a decapitated goat was refitted with the head of a Bigfoot costume, is just a spark in the upcoming storm of marketing blitz Sony will be unleashing this summer, says Harrison.

“The next God of War installment is coming soon, and we have ads that will make the white PSP advert look tame.”

In addition to unrolling a host of new printed ads, including an image of Kratos circumcising Zeus, Harrison promises Sony events to further get us in the warring mood.

“The standard headless goat stunt we used for God of War 2 simply won’t impress any longer. I can’t give too much away, but I can mention that we have constructed a flesh and bones minotaur. →  Call me game-shmael.

In the rain or in the snow

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The decade old Parappa the Rapper, which heralded the start of the rhythm game genre according to some accounts, will be ported to the PSP this July. This is good news for PSP owners because the beats are fly, the rhymes fresh, and the gameplay ill.

The downside is it’s still just a port, not a sequel. Particularly clever netizens have noticed the trend of publishers porting their old titles to the PSP and reworked the spelling of the handheld — Playstation PORTable. Get it? When you capitalize certain letters and not others, hilarity ensues.

After researching the catalogues of the PSP and the DS I’ve come to the conclusion that the DS has a decent number of ports on it as well (which reminds me, I want Theme Park). →  But the future refused to change.

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 4.27.07

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Ken Kuraragi finally falls on his sword
I have called for Ken’s resignation many times, but like a president bombarded by calls to fire a cronie, end a war, step down, or learn to read Kutaragi has ignored me entirely. That is until yesterday. Ken has finally listened to my sharp criticism and based a life altering decision on it…or has he?

“And God said unto me, ‘Make thy console large, make it powerful, but above all else hold unto this truth: Make thy console expensive.'”

The Japanese, unlike Americans, have a thing they like to call sushi. This raw fish (California rolls don’t count, hippy) is symbolic of another concept we Americans lack – honor. For you see, in ancient Japan the sushi roller guy was thought to be the embodiment of the fisherman’s god, Zeus. →  SNK Article Classics Vol. 1

Hotel rooms have an inordinate number of games

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I’m currently on a business trip selling whatever it is I sell. Last night, after billing every available adult film to my company, I found myself browsing the video game selection of the hotel TV system. Check out their GameCube collection:

Mario Kart
TMNT
SM Strikers
Mario Tennis
Mario Party 7
Backyard Baseball 07
Rogue Squadron 3
1080 Avalanche
Twilight Princess
Battalion Wars
Super Mario Sunshine
Tomb Raider
Mario Golf
Kirby Air Ride
Pokemon XD
Urbz
Animal Crossing
Rogue Squadron 2
Pokemon Colosseum
Mario Party 6
Ocarina of Time
Mario Party 5
Wave Racer
Luigi’s Mansion
Paper Mario 2
Metroid Prime 2
Pokemon Channel
Wario World
Custom Robo
Wario Ware Inc
Chibi-Robo
Wind Waker
Starfox Assault
Geist

The first thing that struck me was how their collection is better than mine. →  Sly 3: Honor Among Reads

Xbox 360 loses a few exclusives / PS3 gains Chopin

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Namco’s Chopin themed RPG Trusty Bell and SCi’s almost biblical Kain & Lynch, both once 360 exclusives, are now coming to the PS3 as well. Sony naysayers (me) are now faced with acknowledging neither console is safe from losing exclusive titles. Third party publishers seem unsatisfied with their platform choices. The 360 failed to dominate the market during its year lead and is currently being outsold by the GBA in Japan and the PS3 is catching on slower than most anticipated, likely due to it being positioned as a meal at a fine restaurant in the back of a Mercedes that is for everyone. Publishers could go to Nintendo, but then their triple A games look like shit and are stuck on one platform, whereas a game developed on either of the other two could be easily ported. →  You had me at read more.