The early days of EGM (Electrical Gamers Magazine) were resplendent with ads from companies of ill repute, often advertising games that are remembered poorly if they are remembered at all. Perhaps ad buys were a few dollars because the magazine had just gotten started and had a readerbase as low as videolamer at its 2008 peak, or perhaps these companies were somehow flush from the bubble days of Famicom games selling well regardless of quality. I refuse to believe it could be both, so please do not consider it.
Our first ad is from a company called SETA. No, not SEGA, SERA. I mean SETA. This (SETA) Corporation developed the hits you know and love, like Magic Darts for NES and Strongest Habu Shogi on the GameCube. They did publish one or two interesting games, such as the following ad’s Musya. If any readers joined the SETA Club, please send me your pin.
American Softworks is up next, the publisher who brought us Sküljagger: Revolt of the Westicans, Power Punch II, and Treasure Master. With memorable hits like these, it’s no wonder Wikipedia editorializes thusly:
“Although ASC Games has closed, many of the games it published are still remembered by retro gaming enthusiasts. The company is recognized for its contribution to the video game market in the 1990s and for having participated in the publication of titles that have left their mark on video game history.”
Unfortunately, there does not seem to be any documentation or videomentation of the Insult Line, you fucking moron. But check out this high quality art for Power Punch II.
Color Dreams sucked and made a bunch of shitty games before realizing they could continue making shitty games but also make money by selling to stupid people shopping at Christian bookstores. I don’t understand why Christians need books other than the Bible, but I guess that’s because I actually love Jesus and all that stuff about his dad killing him because his dad made us in a way he was unsatisfied with despite being omniscient but also he is his dad but also killing himself somehow fixes the problems he made us with that shouldn’t bother him because he is omnipotent (Steve 5:19). Most people are more familiar with Color Dreams rebranding as Wisdom Tree, the company selling carts in Christian bookstores I mentioned prior to quoting scripture. This and a few other ads make it clear that the people behind these quality developers were not devoutly religious people just waiting until the Spirit told them to spin off another company. Taking advantage of the religious and patriotic is an old hobby of the unscrupulous, and Color Dreams wanted a piece of the hot nun on nun action.
This ad gets bonus points for looking like a wolves t-shirt that would become popular a decade or two later.
For unknown reasons, the bizarrely named Super Chinese series existed for two decades. No one has ever been known to like any of the entries in the 13 game run, but presumably someone on Earth bought them, which included: Ninja Boy, Super Chinese 3, Ninja Boy II, Super Ninja Boy, Super Chinese World 2, Super Chinese World 3, and Super Chinese Fighter. These games were the brainchild of Culture Brain, who somehow still exists today, though with a less cultured name (Nihon Game).
If that one page ad didn’t sate your appetite, Game Pro issue 23 (the link won’t completely work but you’re smart enough to handle it) has a 16 page Culture Brain ad.
Another brain-based company, Electro Brain was a (probably) Mormon publisher from Salt Lake City, America. They published a lot of trash including Puss ‘n [in] Boots, Ghoul School, and Stanley: The Search for Dr. Livingston for the NES, as well as heavy hitting, name-based fare like Jim Power: The Lost Dimension in 3-D, Tony Meola’s Sidekicks Soccer, and Tommy Moe’s Winter Extreme: Skiing & Snowboarding for the SNES. They do get credit, however, for publishing Star Soldier: Vanishing Earth for the N64, a Hudson developed entry in the long running and high quality Star Soldier series.
As a reminder to fans of cinema, the Best of the Best film stars Eric Roberts, who was in the excellent The Pope of Greenwich Village.
GameTek published a few “real” games from the sewers of Florida, but primarily focused on licensed games no one you’d want to speak to played. The ad below is for the game Gadget Twins, a game so important it has no Wikipedia entry, despite other quality GameTek releases having their own pages. Information on thrilling titles such as Wheel of Fortune, Double Dare, Hollywood Squares, Press Your Luck, American Gladiators, Jeopardy!, Super Password, Classic Concentration, Now You See It, The Price is Right, and Jeopardy! Sports Edition awaits. And when you’re done learning about those gems, move on to Brutal: Paws of Fury, and its sequel Brutal Unleashed: Above the Claw. Unfortunately, the Fisher-Price trilogy (Firehouse Rescue, I Can Remember, Perfect Fit), like the Gadget Twins, is undocumented.
Kaneko is arguably not a company I should include on this list of ads by loser companies. They developed Super Star Soldier and Star Parodier, both of which are good games. They also developed about 200 Qix knockoffs that featured sexy anime girls with the Gals Panic series. That’s bad. But more than their development record, I was entertained by the specifics of this ad for Deadly Moves. Look at how bad the game looks, it’s incredible.
Here is a bonus Kaneko ad for all you cheeseheads.
Hot B kind of sucks but this is another one I pulled primarily for the high quality of the advertisement. I guess if you love bass then Hot B isn’t terrible. They released fishy games such as Black Bass, Black Bass II, Black Bass: Lure Fishing, Super Black Bass, Bassin’s Black Bass with Hank Parker, Super Black Bass 3, Black Bass Pocket, Super Black Bass Pocket 2, Big Bass World Championship, Super Black Bass: Real Fight, Super Black Bass X2, American Bass Challenge, Super Black Bass Fishing, and Super Black Bass 3D. I think we know what the B in Hot B’s name stands for. Yes, it is “blue” because they were the publisher of The Blue Marlin.
Treco was a subsidiary of Sammy. The company, not the guy. They only published a handful of games and one of them was Warsong (Langrisser) on the Genesis, so they did a good job there. Other than that, they published mediocre or bad games such as Sorcerer’s Kingdom, Atomic Robokid, Fighting Masters, and Street Smart. They lasted a whopping 3 years before shutting down but we are lucky enough to remember them in ad form. Oh, they bought Sega at some point so you may also remember that.
What a fun time we had looking over these old ads. If I find enough other amusing advertisements and can organize them into a (extremely loosely) coherent theme, I will be sure to post another low effort, image heavy list. Please clap.
I owned and enjoyed Ninja Boy 2 (game boy) and Super Ninja Boy.
Although in retrospect they are bad games. Super Ninja Boy was one of only a few multiplayer action RPGs on the system. And it’s better than Lord of the Rings, Vol. 1…
Culture Brain did make Magic of Scheherezade, which was an actually good action RPG.
I actually hunted down and played Sorcerer’s Kingdom because of the ad for it in Warsong’s manual. That was a poor choice on my part, but a good one on Treco’s I suppose.