Game Over: Not That Funny

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Game Over, Man.

Like any good ‘lamer, I troll this here series of tubes with an eagle eye on gaming news and other related goodies. Whilst doing so last week I was besieged by persistent incestuous linking and goings on about the above video. I watched the video. When it was over I watched it again to make sure I hadn’t missed some hidden genius or arcane humor delivery initiative I had not had the mettle to have noticed on the first go-round

The whole week this went on. My RSS reader was brimming with links to this video and almost all of the comments seemed to be near sickeningly positive. A writer for a popular gaming editorial website, I was faced with a challenge:

Do I hold my tongue and starve this beast the select few who might come to it by my mention of it, having somehow missed the near ridiculous barrage of geek-love it has received in the last seven days? →  Reading. Reading never changes.

Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 5.4.07

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Sony markets to teens
Sony decided this was a smart business move after analyzing the figures:
Selling games to 10 year olds = totally lame (Nintendo sux LOL)
Selling games to 14 year olds = awesome to the max (we rulz)

The All I want for Christmas is a PSP, Sony’s first attempt to market to teens, went over slightly better than September 11th. Most failed ads don’t bring in more customers, this failed ad led to current customers donating their PSPs to their walls at 15 MPH.

EA noticing Wii and DS appeal to kids, plans bad mini-game game to cash in
EA Playground appeals to “the kid in everyone.” How exactly did EA deduce this? There are the obvious things that appeal to kids but not adults, like finding the opposite sex disgusting and eating chalk. →  Virtua Poster 4: Evolution

System Shock 2 OST Impressions: SHODAN scares me

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I recently got a chance to listen to the official soundtrack of Irrational’s cult-classic, System Shock 2, which was released for PC’s back in 1999. I’ve never play the game before, but after going through the entire soundtrack multiple times, I’m dying to experience all that is Von Braun.

The game is an RPG/FPS hybrid that takes place on an experimental space ship, the Von Braun, the very first space ship that is capable of traveling faster than the speed of light. But of course, with something this amazing in terms of technology, something has to go wrong. And it does. I won’t spoil the rest though, as it’s possibly the coolest plot-line I’ve heard in quite awhile.

As for the OST, it’s filled with a lot of ambient and moody tracks. →  Frankly my dear, I don’t read a damn.

Xbox to make its first dollar in 2008

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Yeah, seven years after the original Xbox was released. If this was the plan all along, there would’ve been no way in Hell that the Xbox project would have been green-lit had it been anyone but Microsoft. It has cost the company billions already, which isn’t a very favorable position when dealing with shareholders.

From eWeek via Next-Gen.biz, Robbie Bach, president of Microsoft’s Entertainment and Devices Division, states that through peripherals, software sales (1st and 3rd party titles), and Xbox Live, the Xbox platform will finally see a profit next year. Welcome, Microsoft, to the club that Nintendo has been a part of since, well, forever.

This fact just goes to show you how much money Microsoft can afford to waste on something like a gaming console. →  Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Bore me and I sleep.

Wear Your SHMUP. Wear it Proud.

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ThunderForce222There are those of us to whom all your base are belong. Those of us whose love for all things SHMUP is insurmountable but for the clawing beckon for sustenance and expulsion. Those of us, even, who might be sated by a hailstorm of rapid-fire alone.

We are the bullet eaters. We are like you in many ways. We are unlike you in that 1080p means little to us. We can be sustained by as little as 16 mighty bits, and even those bits can be split between two processors as long as one is dedicated to calculating hit-box geometry.

We walk among you. We slip through the crowds; our collision detection tight and our eyes peeled for a volley of hellfire. →  We have nothing to lose but our games.

New Wii games will not make current Wii games less terrible

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As you may have read, Nintendo recently announced the first party games they plan on releasing in Japan in 2007. Here’s the list:

-Donkey Kong Taru Jet Race (renamed DK Jet or DK Bongo Blast for the US)
-Wii Health Pack
-Disaster: Day of Crisis
-Mario Party 8
-Project H.A.M.M.E.R.
-Wii Music
-Super Mario Galaxy
-Super Smash Bros. Brawl
-Battalion Wars II
-Forever Blue
-Mario Strikers Charged
-Metroid Prime 3: Corruption
-Mario and Sonic at the Olympics

It’s about time, Nintendo, because there are a lot of terrible Wii games out right now. The Wii’s ratio of playable games to shit is nearly as bad as the Virtual Boys. Far Cry, Rapala Tournament Fishing, Wing Island, World Series of Poker, Rampage, and Wii Play are horrendous. →  Ring of Read

Dragon Quest IX: The more things change, the more they stay the same

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Back when it was first announced for the DS, Dragon Quest IX looked like it would be completely different from its predecessors. Not only would the game be on a portable system, it looked like it would be multiplayer and in a real-time, if not an action-RPG, system. After Dragon Quest VIII’s revelations (huge graphical upgrades and a rename in the US to follow the Japanese series name), it looked like the ninth entry would bring even more changes to a series that is notorious for having old school gameplay and feel. Was Square Enix finally going to change the main system of the grandfather of RPGs?
The cover for the original Dragon Quest.

More recently, the news has trickled in that, yes, the game would be multiplayer, but it would have the same turn-based battle system. →  Postlanser: Heritage of Read

Kutaragi is Kutarazy

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Ken Kutaragi recently made it known that he has design ideas for the PS4. And the PS5. And the PS6. Based on Phil Harrison’s declaration that the PS3 is future proof, the PS4 should hit the market between about 84 thousand years from now and never. But even if you’re one of those cynics who don’t believe everything PR people say, you’ve got to figure the PS4 will launch around 2012. With five years each generation, that gives us the PS6 in 2022, a full 15 years from now.

Maybe Kutaragi has a knack for correctly interpreting Nostradamus, but he is probably just delusional. How could he possibly be planning anything beyond the color of the PS6 casing? Technology advances in fits and starts and is difficult to predict even without any unforeseen break throughs (cars, radio, TV, internet, The Clapper). →  Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the article?

Review – Sam & Max Episode 6: Bright Side of The Moon

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Here it is, the final episode in the only episodic series that’s actually managed to do something with itself. Six games in as many months is something that Telltale Games should be proud of, but they get another pat on the back for doing such a good job. Season 1 was very much a learning experience, both for themselves and for the fans. Throughout the journey, Telltale has shown definite signs of listening to their audience and learning from their mistakes. Bright Side of the Moon fixes a lot of problems from past episodes, and is all-around the most solid effort of the six games. Funny, lengthy and fun to play, I was sad to see this one come to an end. →  We have nothing to lose but our games.

Creative writing, descriptive language and curse words do not automatically make a review good

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I apologize for linking to an old review of Twilight Princess. I only recently read it and feel compelled to comment. My first instinct was to write the entire review off as a cry for attention. While it may be, writing it off is the easy way out and allows the author the satisfaction of being dismissed, as opposed to critically assessed. So let’s discuss the merits of her positions.

Whether games are all ultimately very similar and it is only the façade of graphics, sound, and plot that differentiate them or whether the façade doesn’t matter because games are ultimately the game mechanics underneath is not a debate I am equipped to settle. I tend to come down on the side that the façade usually doesn’t matter and the mechanics are really what a game “is” at least 95% of the time (for example, Fumito Ueda titles may be in the remaining 5%). →  Lamers so loved the world that they gave their only article, so that everyone who believes in reading won’t perish but will have eternal lives.