I’ve come to believe strongly in a particular rule taught to me by wiser gamers. The rule states that “if a game wants to entice me, to keep me playing, then it cannot assume I have nothing better to do than to play video games.” It’s hard phrase to describe exactly what the phrase means, but it pertains to certain bad things modern games like to do. Sometimes they’re done to artificially lengthen playtime, sometimes they’re done to help introduce new players. Sometimes it is to enhance the cinematic nature of the game, or to keep things “realistic.” Whether they are done because of a current trend, or to try to overcome a particular design hurdle, these additions hurt more than they help. They can cause repetition, make the player jump through hoops, and completely destroy any suspension of disbelief. We play so that we can get away, to do things we couldn’t do otherwise, but that doesn’t mean we want to spend that time dealing with bullshit. → Read like G did.
Reviews
Review – Wario Ware Smooth Moves
Wario Ware Smooth Moves for the Wii — In playing this game I discovered a maxim that holds true. In observing my personal failures and some of my friend’s successes in playing the Wario Ware mini games, I discovered this: The extent to which you are good at Wario Ware is the extent to which you are a bastard. This is because Wario Ware has been created to reward the wicked and punish those of us with dignity and gameplay standards like functional controls or knowing game objectives before you lose. Wario Ware apologists would have you believe that the minigames are varied, fun, and fair — but they would be lying. 80% of the games can be won only by shaking the remote, or occasionally waving it around or throwing it at your friend.
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Most Wario Ware fans don’t realize that you can do this IRL, too. |
Here is a list of the minigames available in Wario Ware:
Shake the remote to shuffle papers
Shake the remote to put out a fire
Shake the remote to grate cheese
Shake the remote to grind an herb
Shake the remote to open some curtains
Shake the remote to seduce an older woman
Shake the remote to hula-hoop
Shake the remote to roast some meat
Shake the remote to put-down an injured dog
Use the remote to balance a broom on screen, in the simulated gravity of Jupiter
Wave the remote around to pick up an apple
Use the remote to guide fingers into orifices
Throw the remote at the TV as hard as you can (this minigame can be improvised during any other minigame)
If the games are so simple, you might ask, then how does anyone lose? → Castle Readigami 2
Review – Rogue Galaxy
It’s not often you come across two games released in quick succession that sound as similar as Final Fantasy XII and Rogue Galaxy. FFXII has Sky Pirates; RG has Space Pirates. Both start off in a desert town. FFXII takes several plot points from Star Wars, RG takes several characters from Star Wars. The main characters even sound rather similar for a while.
But I digress. They are actually very different games, and although comparison would be fun, it wouldn’t do as an unbiased review.
In Rogue Galaxy, you follow the story of Jaster, a young native of the desert planet Rosa who wants to explore space. Through a few coincidences, he is mistaken for a famous mercenary and hired to work for a group of space pirates, led by the notorious Dorgengoa. Soon enough, you find out about an ancient treasure-filled planet and Dorgengoa assigns to you the task of finding the way there.
The “space pirate” part is where the story unfortunately breaks down somewhat. → Contains 10% more consonants than comparable articles.
Review – Sonic and the Secret Rings
Here is perhaps my most controversial review ever. Not because of what I have to say about Sonic and the Secret Rings, but because of the context in which I say it. I was unable to finish Sonic, not because of time constraints (it was a rental), but because I gave up on an increasingly frustrating game and control scheme. I have much to talk about, but the question is whether it means anything at all.
Secret Rings attempts to redo Sonic in 3d by limiting your movement capabilities in order to emulate, ironically, the 2d Sonics of yore. Sonic always moves forward (he can move backwards, but its only meant for backing up a few paces to retry something). All you have to do is jump and steer left and right. The game plays like the levels of Sonic Adventure 1, complete with blistering speed and “on rails” segments where Sonic just runs loops and hoops without your input. It is fast and visceral, emulating the feel of the 2d games in the complexity of 3d space. → Fire Post Wrestling Returns
Review – Hotel Dusk
Before I jump into this review, I would like to offer some insights into my reviewing habits. When I play games to review them, I try to see if the development team was successful in whatever they were trying to do with the game. For example: have they made an exciting action/adventure game or a plausible horror game? I basically become a high school English teacher and grade a student’s essay. Did they prove their point with supporting examples? It does not matter if I disagree with what they are saying. Unless they screw up with their grammar or examples, can I blatantly say they are wrong?
Why am I telling you this, you ask? I’m just trying to give you a little background info on how I’m going to review Hotel Dusk: Room 215, for the DS. This game may not be for everyone, but that’s the point. Cing had one goal in mind, and approached it without fear of what the players would say. → Please sir, can I have some more?
Review – Contact
A game is like a meal. An excellent one both pleases your palette and assuages your hunger. Resident Evil 4 was a full plate of filet mignon. Extremely filling, but not excessive, and delectable (this is getting creepy). A Nippon Ichi game is more like three plates of macaroni and cheese. Decent, but if you eat it all you’ll feel sick. And then there are games that are so bad you look forward to them ending. Eating less vomit or dog shit is preferable.
Enough of something decent can make an average game more satisfying than it should be. Dragon Quest Rocket Slime is by no means gourmet, but there is enough of it to really fill the player. The play mechanics aren’t spectacular, but the game is long enough to both build and expand on them. It achieves the rank of full plate of steamed vegetables.
Contact is barely palatable and, even worse, is at most an appetizer. This is a letdown because its packaging (complete with blog entries in the manual) and buzz – which drools over the music for no apparent reason – make it sound like an exotic dish most of us have never tasted. → Double your reading, double your fun.
Review – Sam & Max Episode 4: Abe Lincoln Must Die
Something tells me I will be in the minority with this one, but Sam and Max Episode 4 is perhaps the weakest entry yet (or close behind the first one). This seems odd at first, because this time Telltale worked on many of the issues that fans (and reviewers like myself) brought up with the last few episodes, namely length and difficulty. I appreciate and respect this, however their solutions to the problems do more harm than good, while the formerly sound humor of past episodes gets less attention and falls flat. I started playing these episodes with excitement and praise. Now I’m starting to get genuinely worried.
The previous three episodes were indeed easy to complete and on the short side time wise. This never really bothered me because the settings were fun, the scripts sharp, and the puzzles weren’t damningly hard. I never expected a long quest or deep gameplay from Sam and Max, just a lighthearted adventure with some humor above the grade-school level of most games. → 18 Wheeler American Pro Reader
Review – God Hand
When Clover Studio was ultimately closed by Capcom, they left us with two games; Okami and God Hand. The former gained quite a bit of attention, at least from the gamer press and enthusiasts, and it is not hard to see why. The game sported lush, unique visuals, safe Zelda style gameplay, and a universe steeped in Japanese mythology (which seems to be all the rage these days with the kids). While I can’t say anything of the sales numbers, it certainly left an impression with the community’s most critical.
This wasn’t at all the situation with God Hand. Here was a title with with crummy visuals, a strange sense of humor and style, “tank like controls” and seemingly outdated beat ’em up gameplay. How could this game have been made by the same people behind the lush and elegant Okami? The answer is simple. God Hand doesn’t really do anything to attract the player to its cause. Its a crude, harsh game that taunts you for playing on easy and doesn’t give a shit about millions of polygons. → Imagine all the gamers playing for today
Review – Space Rangers 2: Rise of the Dominators
It’s hard to find a recent game with a name more cheesy than Space Rangers 2: Rise of the Dominators. It has all the classiness of a corny low-budget science fiction movie.
In fact, its name could be the main reason why nobody’s noticed the game, despite a lot of acclaim from reviewers. So much so that the publishing company is now asking users to suggest a better game name… possibly to re-release it.
In any case, Space Rangers 2 hails from Russia, courtesy of Cinemaware Marquee. Most of the game script feels pretty natural, but there’s just enough awkwardness to indicate it was not originally in English (other ships will ask your help to take out “this type”). That said, the script actually contains a lot of jokes. For example, the Faeyans discover a human toothbrush, and claim to have “improved” it to the point of also cleaning out the brain cavity. Maloqs will tell you of their annual Scoffing Ceremony, where they assert the superiority of their race over all others. → Hey, hey, hey, it’s time to make some crazy reading!
Review – Final Fantasy X
It’s not some startling revelation to say that jRPGs are a hotly debated topic among many gamers, as they struggle to figure out the present and future of the genre. I have absolutely no clue what the developers behind FFX were trying to do, but I know the result of their work is a game that fully embraces what these games have become. It has been streamlined and simplified so as to provide players with something easy, relaxing, and colorful. It’s like an anime Disney attraction where you get to play a part.
Take the combat. It is a system where mages have enough MP to cast plenty of spells, and tank characters can one-hit-kill. Enemies are designed so that you can tell just by looking at them what characters you will need in order to end the battle in three steps. It even goes so far as to give you visual cues when delivering a killing blow. Status effects work, summons can be used for quick damage (or to absorb damage), and you can instantly swap party members. → What can change the nature of a post?