Reviews

Review – Shining Tears

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Shining Tears
Developed by Amusement Vision
Published by Sega

Zzzz
“Now Loading” looks so much classier in Japanese.

The Shining series is over. Sure games that have the word “Shining” in the title keep coming out, like the proctology based “Shining Down a Colon” or the clearly aimed at preschoolers “Rise and Shining,” but this doesn’t mean anything. If Steven Spielberg got drunk and in his stupor decided to film himself masturbating, would the resulting video be a sequel to ET? Even if he named it ET2: ET Bone Home, I say no, it would not be a real sequel. The Shining games are past the drunken stupor. What comes out with the name Shining on it these days is the vomit that was too chunky to go down with the first flush.

Shining Tears should be called “Shining Loading.” This game is pretty much the loading game. Most of my experience playing was spent looking at the loading screen and I have to say it wasn’t the best loading screen by far. →  Zone of the Readers: The 2nd Reader

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Review – Gladius

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Gladius
Developed by Lucas Arts
Published by Lucas Arts
Released 10.28.03

Welcome to our highly experimental and likely to fail review of Gladius. The concept came to me after having a discussion about interactive reviews with my friend Robert. This is hardly interactive, but maybe it’s a step towards something, but probably it just sucks. Without further ado, I bring you:

Clicky here to see the review – it’ll open in a new window.

Review – Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay

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Chronicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay
Developed by Starbreeze
Published by VU Games
Released 6.1.04

The guy in the purple sock thing deserves to die for crimes against fashion.

I have seen neither Pitch Black nor the Chronicles of Riddick (I like being uninformed, it gives me a unique angle). I am not sure Vin Diesel doesn’t suck, and yes, I know he likes D&D. I also know I saw the Pacifier, though that was more strawberry margarita’s fault than his. Combining my hesitation about Mr. Diesel with my general apathy for FPS’s, and the fact that most games based on movies are secretly designed by Satan, I was not convinced the Chronicles of Riddick game would be anything more than god awful.

The first cut scene in the game did little to allay my fears. A poorly directed action scene is one of the last things you should see in a game about an action movie. Maybe Starbreeze were just taking a cue from the reportedly bad movie. →  Beyond Read & Evil

Review – Baten Kaitos

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Baten Kaitos
Developed by Monolith Soft
Published by Namco
Released 11.16.04

Fruity woman
This sort of looks like a still life from the 16th century. (My art major girlfriend informs me I’m wrong, nevermind.)

Here’s a tip for designers and translators. One of the words in your title must be in the language of your market. I worked on a game called Elrelis Bled once upon a time and the name worked because the second word of the title is a verb we all understand. We can deduce then that Elrelis is a person, place, or something that can bleed. What exactly is a Baten Kaitos? Does Baten Kaitos or does Kaitos Baten? Are both words nouns or is it just gibberish? Am I ignorant for not understanding Japanese or should the localization team tried a bit harder?

Actually, it turns out I’m just an idiot. Baten Kaitos is a constellation. Let’s pretend that last paragraph never happened and once again thank the power of the internet for saving me from my ignorance yet again. →  Readalations: Persona

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Review – Weird Worlds

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Weird Worlds: Return to Infinite Space
Developed by Digital Eel
Published by Shrapnel Games
Released 11.4.05

Deep space
Unknown seldom means good in deep space…

I am one of those lucky people who is blessed with a job that is mostly unsupervised, and is prone to periods of downtime. As a result, I often find myself paid to play video games. Unfortunately, I am often required to get to work on a moment’s notice, thus precluding most online games from combating my work boredom. Further, my work laptop can’t quite run Civilization 4 at the speed I’d like it to. I found myself stumped for something good to pass the time.

I had seen a plug for Weird Worlds: Return to Infinite Space on Penny Arcade a few weeks ago, and figured what the hell. Low system requirements, a low price (a mere $25, for a quick downloadable .ISO file) meant I had little to lose, and everything to gain.

Weird Worlds is a single player, turn based game with a real time battle system. →  Zero Escape: Nine Hours, Nine Authors, Nine Articles

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Review – Kya: Dark Lineage

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Kya: Dark Lineage
Developed by Eden Studios
Published by Atari
Released 11.18.03

Fear my banana horn.

Kya: Dark Lineage is usually compared to Beyond Good and Evil, most likely because they are both action platformers with female leads. The similarities just about end there, since BGE is damn close to the epitome of the genre, while Kya is more a stock, run of the mill, average game. Of course I played to the end so there had to have been something there that made me play it.

The game starts off with you and your brother getting sucked into an alternate dimension via your father’s basement laboratory. You arrive among a few anthropomorphized dog like creatures who are all running away from some anthropomorphized wolf like creatures. This opening sequence introduces most aspects of the game, as it includes fighting, running, jumping, problem solving, and sneaking. Once you arrive back at the village, you meet with the elder who informs you that Brazul (cookie cutter bad guy) is turning all of the dogs (Nativs) into wolves (Wolfen). →  One must imagine video games happy.

Review – ChoroQ

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ChoroQ
Developed by Atlus
Published by Takara
Released 11.14.04

 

Win this race to unlock secret driver Lindsey Lohan.

ChoroQ caught my attention because it claimed to be a racing RPG, a genre I didn’t know existed, much less one I had any experience with. I figured, even if all I got out of the ten bucks it cost was another obscure game for the collection and a few minutes of distraction, it would be a worthwhile purchase. Disclosure: my experience with pure racing games is limited to a ton of time spent with Gran Turismo 3 and a de minimus amount of time spent on a few other, minor titles (not counting the Mario Karts of course). Gran Turismo 3 was a great game, and this was apparent to a novice in the genre such as myself, because of the depth of the gameplay, and the level of customization. The realism probably figured in somewhere, but since I don’t know (or care) about car racing I’m not sure that was even apparent to me. →  It’s time to read and chew bubblegum… and I’m all outta gum.

Review – Mortal Kombat: Deception

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Mortal Kombat: Deception
Developed by Midway
Published by Midway
Released 10.04.04

I got a small role in a Broadway play, it’s not much, but it’s a start.

I grade games on a 100 point scale broken down into several categories. Each category gives a maximum of 20 points. The combined total is score of the game.

A 100 = perfect.

Graphics: 15
Music: 15
Game play: 20
Plot: 15
Replay ability: 20
Total Value: 85%

Moooortaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal Koooooooooooooooombaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! Test your might! Do do doooo dooo doooo!

Here is a cute story. When I was a young lad I was a Mortal Kombat master. I won a tournament at a local arcade out of 100 people for the best Mortal Kombat II player. I must have spent somewhere between $10,000.00 to $20,000.00 playing that dangfangled game. Anyway this review is about Mortal Kombat: Deception. It was released I believe in ’04, but it still reigns as the latest MK fighting game because the new Shaolin Monks is not a fighting game. →  WELCOMETOTHENEXTARTICLE

Review – Untold Legends: Brotherhood of the Blade

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Untold Legends: Brotherhood of the Blade
Developed by Sony Online Entertainment
Published by Sony Online Entertainment
Released 3.24.05

I grade games on a 100 point scale broken down into several categories. Each category gives a maximum of 20 points. The combined total is score of the game.

Take these six points of damage! And you take these seven!!!.

A 100 = perfect.

Graphics: 15
Music: 15
Game play: 13
Plot: 15
Replay ability: 10
Total Value: 63%

The first thing I thought upon getting this title was “whoa my first PSP game!” Approximately 2 hours after playing the game my impression was “What the hell is this game trying to be? Handheld Diablo 2?” And I still think it is.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Diablo 2. My Amazon was something to be feared; even Jay’s nancy Barbarian trembled in fear from her when we were hunting Diablo in the depths of hell. In any event, as I said this game was trying to be Diablo 2. →  Snap! Crackle! Read!

Review – Zelda: Wind Waker

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Zelda: Wind Waker
Developed by Nintendo
Published by Nintendo
Released 3.24.03

Mr. Link, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you?

I grade games on a 100 point scale broken down into several categories. Each category gives a maximum of 20 points. The combined total is score of the game.

A 100 = perfect.

Graphics: 20

Music: 20

Game play: 20

Plot: 10

Replay ability: 10

Total Value: 80%

What can be said of The Wind Waker? Gorgeous! Smooth! Colorful! An auditory pleasure! No plot. As with most game of the Zelda franchise the story is rather dull if not redundant. Collect your power up items (Triforce parts and weapons) kill the bad guy, and make sweet sweet underage lovin’s to the princess.

The environments are a little underdetailed but extremely sharp and clean.

On the surface you’re probably saying, gee isn’t this basically just a remake of the 1 st Nintendo Zelda I fell in love with back in 1987? →  May God smite me if I stop reading here!