Year: 2008

A design element that deserves to die: The time limit

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Ahh, our old enemy the time limit. Is there a lazier way for a designer to increase the difficulty of a game?

The latest object of my scorn due to this lazy design element is Star Fox Command on the Nintendo DS. Before you get to the Star Fox part of the Star Fox game, you plot out flight paths for Fox and his allies on an overhead map of the planet, keeping in mind enemy squadrons that approach the Great Fox, cities that need liberating, and objects on the map that may assist you in your quest. The caveat? You have a limited number of turns in which to accomplish the planet’s mission objective. You can increase the number of turns you have remaining by liberating cities under enemy control. Turns are a limited resource I have to manage, so much for getting to enjoy the experience at my own pace.

It’s the final countdown!

So you see your characters fly around this map on the courses you’ve plotted out and run into an enemy squadron. →  All you need is read.

Random Old Game – Snake Rattle ‘n Roll

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The NES had so many goofy oddball games, it’s nearly impossible to keep track of them all. Snake Rattle ‘n Roll stands out from the hordes via upbeat jazz music, a bizarre (therefore original) sense of style, and fun cooperative gameplay.

You play as snake(s) appropriately named Rattle (and Roll). To get through the stages, you avoid or defeat strange, snake-hating enemies, from water-dwelling sharks to razor blade traps to giant, snake-crushing disembodied feet. Your objective is to get to the moon for reasons unknown. Placed at specific points in the level are pellet dispensers, which shoot out pellets which you can eat. The pellets try to avoid you in a different way each level; the early ones simply roll or walk, while later ones will bounce or fly away. In an interesting touch, the walking pellets have tiny white feet; after your snake consumes one, it spits out said feet. Likewise with the later wings, et cetera.

Eating serves a couple of different purposes. →  These are the games I know, I know. These are the games I know.

Review – Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney

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After finishing last year’s stellar Trials and Tribulations, and damn near falling out of my chair during that final case, I immediately went online and pre-ordered the next installment of the Ace Attorney series, titled Apollo Justice. And as I did this, I realized how lucky we all are to get another lawyer adventure game so soon after the last one. It took Capcom no more than four months to give us a new sequel, which is quite possibly a miracle in the video game world.

But wait? Who the hell is Apollo Justice? Does this mean no more Phoenix Wright? No more Edgeworth? And more importantly, no more Dick Gumshoe? How could this be!? Why would Capcom stoop so low? We’ve become extremely attached to all of these characters through the course of the last three games, willingly living and breathing their crazy and complex lives. Their stories came to an apex in Trials and Tribulations, but the last thing I want to do is say goodbye. →  We have nothing to lose but our games.

Tales From Behind The Counter – I Am A Snobby Bastard

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It is inevitable that this topic is going to come up so I will tackle it now. Today’s secret word is a fun one: elitist. When I hear that word, my initial response is a simple, “Yes. I. Am.”

Every genre of media has its upper echelon of assholes who insist that their opinion on the topic is really, truly the only one that matters. I consider myself to be above that upper echelon. I have titled myself a “post-gamer”. I have basically played so many video games for so long that I really don’t like them anymore. In fact, talking about video games usually bores the living daylights out of me and watching people play video games is akin to making small cuts with a dull knife on the fleshy, inner part of my thigh. So why on God’s green and flat earth do I work in a video game store? Because while I may not play too many games anymore, I know more about them than most people and feel I am most qualified to help people make educated and well thought out decisions about the disc or cartridge they are about to bring into their homes and lives. →  Shadow of the Article

Eve Online: Second Life for Hardcore Gamers

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I hate Second Life. I don’t understand it. I already have a job. I already have a house. I understood Sims because the part where your Sim went to work (at least in the versions I played, they put out so many expansions my view is probably distorted) was skipped and my Sim just showed up home with money. Periodically he’d play on the computer or play chess and get smarter and get promoted. Then he’d come back from work with a bonus and I’d spend his money on nice shit. It wasn’t bad; in fact, I wish my life were like that, where I’d step outside my house, 8 hours go by and I’m home and playing video games again.

Second Life fails to me because it’s like the Sims, but you have to grind out money (or directly buy it). I like the Social Networking aspects: I like that the Centers for Disease Control (a US federal agency, look it up) and various nonprofits are involved for outreach. →  Article Hominid

Tales From Behind The Counter – The Long Joystick of the Law

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Last night I achieved a sales goal that I don’t think will ever be topped by another mortal.

It was a quiet evening and my boss, Jason, and I were being good little worker bees. Alphabetizing and sorting titles, rearranging aisles, trying to restructure the layout of my store so that it may actually generate a couple of bucks profit. One of our big tasks of the night had been to weed the crappy and older games from the shelves and make a bargain bin of marked down titles that was placed prominently in front of the door so would-be customers had to walk right past it. Both of us were sitting on the floor of our empty and serene establishment when the front door burst open and two police officers rushed into the building, hands on guns and tasers.

“Do you guys work here,” the senior officer barked. Jason and I looked at each other in befuddlement and answered affirmatively in unison. →  Densha de Read! Shinkansen

Review – God of War: Chains of Olympus

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Reviewing God of War: Chains of Olympus can be done in either a paragraph or several pages. Actually, describing the game can be done in one hearty breath, though its existence makes for a longer and frustrating commentary on the industry.

Let us get the first part out of the way; Chains of Olympus is developer Ready at Dawn’s attempt to bring the full God of War experience to the PSP. In this goal they have succeeded; the game looks and plays so closely to the PS2 originals that Chains (almost) sits right up there with them in terms of quality. It really is amazing to think that this game is being played on a handheld. Unfortunately, in trying so hard to emulate the PS2, the experience also becomes excessively generic. Yes, the music might be new, but at a certain point all Latin chanting sounds the same. Running around in Greek cities, Greek temples, and the Greek underworld also gives me deja vu. →  Frankly my dear, I don’t read a damn.

Add to the pile

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My old college friend is coming to visit this weekend. What does this have to do with videolamer you ask?

He’s bringing his copy of Mass Effect for me to borrow for an indefinite amount of time. That means yet another person gets to weight in his opinion about this RPG.

I warn you; I haven’t been a fan of most of Bioware’s work, save for the games that also had Black Isle stamped on it. That includes Knights of the Old Republic. I’m wary about how much I will enjoy Mass Effect, but I will give it a fair shake, as I’m always up for being proven wrong. If I still don’t like it, I won’t go saber rattling about it. I still will discuss it, which could lead to a massive, 61 comment debate that will be the first true entry in the Hall of Lame.

All in all, it should be interesting.

This post doesn’t feel long enough, so I will fill it out with my tales of success in Persona 3. →  You’re tearing me apart lamers!

Review – Real Soccer 2008

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When I first spotted “Real Soccer” in my local game shop, I was initially under the impression that the game’s name was an indication of a metaphysical breakthrough at Ubisoft labs. Sick of titles stuck with the “virtual” nomenclature, Ubisoft had determined – Matrix-like – that they could decide what is and is not real. I mean, what is “reality,” anyway, right? Yeah.

Sadly, however, the title instead betrays the pathetic lack of sports titles for the DS. Not “this is real soccer,” but “omigosh! Honest-to-goodness real soccer on the DS!!” It makes more sense when one appreciates that the title’s name is Real Football in the UK, and there are probably plenty of British dudes who are sick of us calling our decidedly un-foot-centric game by the name of football, but whatever. I hate British people. They say “cheers” too much.

That bottom map sure is exciting.

Anyway, Real Soccer is fun. Unlike most DS games, which I play only when shitting or transiting, I have been known to occasionally play this game on my couch. →  Are you a bad enough dude to rescue the article?

You have to Burn the Rope

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By now you might have heard of You Have to Burn the Rope, the flash game which will become a new phenomenon for some time to come (though likely nowhere near the likes of Portal). I’m not sure how this sits with me, because I’m not sure people understand the game. Or perhaps I don’t understand it.

What I mean is that there is really nothing to understand about it. It is an incredibly simple, completely straightforward 30 second boss fight. Why are there video walkthroughs and FAQs and speedruns? Because every game, no matter how big or small, seems to attract this kind of attention and scrutiny. Is it stupid? Hell yes, as stupid as it is that so many other games are treated as such. Sure we could do without the creators and their friends trying to be so cute and clever, but the fact that we will likely see 50 or so similar guides from people who also wish to be cute and clever is even sadder. →  Drakenread 2