Tuesdays (Wednesdays) with Morrie (Andrew)

My elderly (42) friend Morrie (Andrew) is dying (he is not) of cancer (massive hemorrhoids). Understandably, he (probably) came to me and said, “I cannot imagine the regret of leaving this world without becoming familiar with Sega’s legendary Saturn console.” I pointed out that the shame his family would endure would force them to leave the state because I don’t think he was fully considering the precariousness of his position. 

Luckily for Morrie (Andew), I am a very generous person living with some woman, three children, and an inordinate amount of free time. “Honey, the only time this man plays Saturn, let alone Sega CD Make My Video games, is when I invite him over promising to watch a movie he really wants to see and then forcing him to instead play old console games,” I considered saying. “What a travesty, and I still can’t get over the cancer,” I imagine she would respond, if I spoke to the woman in my house.

After thinking for 41 seconds, I decided the best way to familiarize Morrie (Andrew) with the legacy of the Saturn would be to steal a list of the key games for the console from the AI Google result that stole it from losers like me who used to be able to make money writing lists (just kidding, this site has never made money). Sometimes instead of posting things, I delete finished articles and then wire Alphabet Inc. a nickel because it cuts out the middle man. So without that much further ado, here is the list along with direct translation of the genres from Japanese to possibly English. It’s the next sentence after this one. Actually it’ll probably be a list because presenting lists in sentence form borders on madness.

NiGHTS Into Dreams – AFMA (Androgynous Flying Mime Action)

Galactic Attack – GSA (Galaxy Shooting Action)

Virtua Racing – MRA (Misspelled Racing Action)

Panzer Dragoon – GFA (Germanic Flying Action)

Virtua Fighter 2 – MMFA (More Misspelled Fighting Action)

Daytona USA – FRA (Florida Racing Action)

Saturn Bomberman – B (Bomberman)

Dragon Force – TBTRTSSRPA (Turn-Based-Tactics Real-Time-Strategy Simulation Role Playing Action)

Guardian Heroes – HA (Heroic Action)

Baku Baku Animal – PWTAA (Puzzle Well Tetris Adjacent Action)

Panzer Dragoon Zwei – MGFA (More Germanic Flying Action)

Shining The Holy Ark – HAA (Holy Ark Action)

Hyper Duel – SbTtTFCA (Something by Technosoft the Thunder Force Company Action)

Die Hard Arcade – DHA (Dynamite Fighting Action)

Shining Force 3 – RTRPA (Reflective Tactics Role Playing Action)

Radiant Silvergun – SaMPtGA (Swords are More Powerful than Guns Action)

Burning Rangers – STBA (Sonic Team Burning Action)

Panzer Dragoon Saga – NAMBLA (Germanic Tales Action)

That’s a lot of games maybe you just thought. I thought that Saturn was a miserable failure and actually I’ve never even heard about it until this sentence, you say to yourself. This may all be true but the console did in fact have a significant number of very Saturn-esque games, mostly developed by Sega, which was probably a coincidence. Also, like me, it is (was?) big in Japan.

“But this list leaves out a lot of other relevant Saturn games for pervs, freaks, and shmup fans” you protest because you are a perv aching for others to debase themselves by playing Steam-Heart’s. Perhaps over the next 68 months I plan for this series to run, I will throw in some games for flavor (and street cred). Who isn’t interested in reading about Lunacy, a game so obscure the people who made the thing have never heard of it?  And what about that fighting series with the women knocking each other’s clothes off? Sure it’s been on six other systems and has little to do with the Saturn, but as a professional journalist isn’t it my responsibility to play it by myself at night and then tell Morrie (Andrew) about Advanced Variable Geo?

Join us next time when Morrie (Andrew) and I play NiGHTs into Dreams and then because we have little to say about it I write a bunch of other bullshit to get the post to some arbitrary length I believe is sufficient for posting on the internet. I’d better start writing my not-boring speech about how Sonic Team made NiGHTS instead of a 3D Sonic game and how that kneecapped the system from the get go, especially in the West where people are stupider and like Sonic more than flying purple clowns who hang out with 8 year olds.

This just in: videolamer has received a cease and desist letter from the lawyers of whoever wrote Tuesdays with Morrie, which I just learned is the name of some book. Apparently he or she is a long time videolamer fan but had to betray themselves and possibly god by calling a lawyer to step in due to some minor copyright infringement being perpetrated before a massive audience. It’s unclear how this “author” gained access to my Google drive to read the pre-release text of this post, but it’s a thing that certainly happened. As a result, any follow up posts in this new, soon to be award-winning series will be referred to as Wednesdays with Andrew (Tuesdays with Morrie). And if you ever try calling anything by that name, you won’t hear from my lawyers because I don’t have any, but the papers stuffed in your glove box that say “Cease and/or Desist” written in orange crayon on Taco Bell receipts with a typo in paragraph three (it should say “terminate” not “termimate”) may or may not be from me.