Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 11.10.06

One of the worst Top Ten Worst Games of All Time lists
Top 10, 25, 50, whatever lists are one of my worst enemies. They are vacuous and a cheap excuse for content. Even an unnumbered list is significantly better because from the outset the author wasn’t just trying to fill a number of slots. This link is to one of the dumbest Top 10 lists I’ve seen in a while but since it’s posted on a major site, many big blogs picked it up. Oh, the injustice!

Significantly worse than Postal.

It seems as if the author of this list may not play games. He acknowledges that peoples’ opinions will differ and that it’s hard compiling a list of the worst games ever made, but that caveat doesn’t save him. Most of the list is just a recycled version of every other worst games list. Yeah, ET is bad, Custer’s Revenge is offensive, we know. But is Custer’s Revenge worse than Beat ‘Em and Eat ‘Em? Is Alf on the Master System any better than ET? Probably not, but those games aren’t as famous and this list is nothing but an aggregation of games the author has heard mentioned on the internet.

Some of the games he lists aren’t even close to being bad. Fine, the Make My Video games are horrible but they still provide some entertainment if you’re into the whole “so bad it’s good” scene. And Prince of Persia: Warrior Within is one of the worst games ever made? On what fucking planet? The final blow to this guy’s credibility was including Typing of the Dead on the honorable mentions list. I can ignore that the game got good reviews, sometimes professional writers are wrong, paid off, or incompetent. I cannot ignore that it is actually a lot of fun to play. I also can’t ignore that this guy got paid to write this Top 10 list.

Nintendo prepares more Virtual Console games
I had been prepared to write a scathing editorial on how Nintendo is the new Sony (meaning they’ve been screwing up lately). I heard a different opinion on Wii Sports (this time positive) and thought I could still bitch about the dearth of new DS games and the pathetic Virtual Console list. Then this news came out. Good work, Nintendo, now I have to think of something else to complain about.

Wii pre-orders – Gamestop continues to suck
The last time I went to Gamestop the woman there talked down to me and called me “honey” multiple times. It made sense that she saw the world in terms of food. I asked if they were still buying old DSs in exchange for new DSs and she told me they were not doing that deal any more. Did it just end, I asked? Yes, but they do it every few weeks depending on supplies. OK, so then if right now you’ll give me 40 credits for my DS then this price will possibly change based on when I come in? No. Electronics Boutique isn’t still running the deal, are they? Honey, we own Electronics Boutique.

I’m glad she clarified that last point. I frequently walk into McDonald’s and ask them about Burger King’s sales. So back to the topic at hand. Gamestop will/was only sell/ing an enormously bloated Ultra Crap Wii Bundle. This is a slimy maneuver experts refer to as, “fucking your customers.” The principle is pretty simple. Say a store has 30 Wiis but 100 customers who want to preorder it. By choosing an exorbitant price point, Gamestop can make the package appeal only to 40 of those original 100, but each one of the 30 who actually get the bundle have to spend a shit load. Dash cunning of them.

I would have made her breasts at least large enough to be visible in this picture.

With a new graphics card come more masturbatory pics
These pictures of modeled people are supposed to impress but they didn’t fool me for a second. Seeing something as beautiful as a scene from Okami would make me remember which technology made it possible, but I’m afraid I’ve seen and yawned at better looking realistic 3D models. What will graphics companies show in off in 5 or 10 years when hardware gains are imperceptible? Besides add physics engines and whatnot, of course.

Designer who sees women as objects treats women as objects
After both reading and writing many jokes on message boards about this story, it’s hard to come up with something new to say. Luckily, the man who makes the Dead or Alive games being accused of sexual harassment is just inherently funny. There is always the possibility that he didn’t actually do what he’s accused of, but that’s not as amusing to think about.

Nolan Bushnell disses Sony. Oh snap
Bushnell’s contributions to the industry have been significant, especially when compared to someone like, say, me. Still, it is odd for him to come out against Sony. I guess if he were contacted for an interview then people asked what he thought about the PS3 then there was no harm in voicing his honest opinion. If it makes anyone feel better, he also basically calls Atari irrelevant.

Phil Harrison says Sony “overreached in production of the Blu Ray component”
When Phil calls the PS3 “future proof,” why doesn’t a journalist ever ask him to explain what that means? If by “future proof,” he means “viable for five years,” then that makes sense. If he means the hardware will physically exist for a long time in the future, then, assuming the consoles don’t spontaneously combust, that also makes sense. If he means that the system will continue to work 15 years from now, much like my old VCR, that also makes sense. The problem is that most technology (besides my Sony stereo and discman) meets all three of these criteria.

If Phil means what I think he means, he is saying the PS3 will be viable for 15 years. Ignoring how astoundingly short that is in a 15 billion year old universe, it also sounds remarkably like a lie. I’m sorry. An untruth. A misspeaking. A PR liberty. I wonder what the odds an important guy like Harrison would do an interview with a tiny site that has a known bias (if calling him a lying asshole almost weekly can be counted as a bias)? Maybe then I could get some answers out of him and we wouldn’t have to rely on spineless, yet successful and talented, journalists who don’t mind listening to his bullshit.

More Katamari Damacy?
God damn it, people. Katamari Damacy was a hell of a lot of fun, but fans who want more games are missing the point. KD was an original concept and its creativity was one of its greatest strengths. The guy behind the game didn’t want to do a sequel and refused to work on the PSP game because he doesn’t want to create sequel after sequel. Are the same people clamoring for more KD also signing online petitions for an Ico 2?

She did it all for the Uwe.

PS3 competing with all other forms of media…or something
More hot air from Sony. Anyone who remembers what the company said the PS2 would be should realize they overhype the shit out of their consoles. Maybe this new generation’s system will compete with YouTube and iTunes slightly. Then next generation they can compete a little more directly, and so on. Just don’t expect the technology revolution Sony promises, fails to deliver, then promises again.

Star of BloodRayne not doing sequel
Uwe Boll is my hero and inspiration. He proves that determination can level any obstacle in our way and that talent isn’t nearly as important as most people think. Another overlooked fact that Boll illuminates is that most of the planet have horrendous taste in movies (yes, that is terrifying considering what Americans like). Critics dwell on how Boll’s movies bomb, but they are only considering domestic box office performance. BloodRayne did particularly well in the United Arab Emirates and Russia.

The bad news for Boll fans like myself is that the actress from the first movie will not be doing BloodRayne 2. Really, the joke is on her, though. She already showed her breasts to the world for Uwe Boll. The good news is she has nowhere to go but up. Let’s hope Ben Kingsley’s coke habit is bad enough he signs on for the sequel.