Howard Stern

videolamer’s Holiday Shopping Guide

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Knowing what game to buy for whom is a job all in itself, especially for out of touch parents. If reading review after review of technical mumbo jumbo sounds like too much work, the videolamer Holiday Shopping Guide is for you. Simply identify which grouping best fits the lucky recipient of your gifts then follow every word of advice to the letter and Christmas/ Chanukah/ Kwanza / Ramadan/ Festivus/ Dhanvantari Trayodashi will be saved.

The Indiscriminate Eye

Who they are: We all have that friend or relative who seems to have had their taste assigned to them by pop radio, Howard Stern and MTV. While it would seem these people should be easy to shop for, they actually react quite violently to anything that is unpopular. These people are the “mass” in “mass appeal.”

What they want: Any Madden Game — Don’t worry about what year it says on the box. The indiscriminate gamer has been playing this series so long that he can’t tell the difference between Madden 95 and Madden 2005. →  Devil Summoner: Readou Kuzunoha vs. the Soulless Article

Concerned Citizen

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Grand Theft Auto 3 has come under a lot of heat because of the Hot Coffee mod, which allows the player to have polygonal sex with his video game girlfriend. GameStop, crusader for freedom Jack Thompson, and Hillary Clinton are among those who have lined up against Rock Star for making such an immoral product. Murdering prostitutes is questionable behavior, but having sexual intercourse is just ethically wrong so I, too, decided to share my discontent… but in the most positive way possible, by thanking those retailers who pulled the game from their shelf. Enjoy.

Thank you for being a family friendly store. Capitalism will never work if we just allow people to buy whatever they want. We need more huge corporations to stand up to products Jesus wouldn’t like and say, “No. Our customers do not want this.” Freedom of choice is just a euphemism for evil and I applaud you in your efforts to cut down on evil. The terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001 remind me of how precious our freedom is and that it cannot be squandered on things like allowing consumers to buy products that are legal, yet possibly offensive to anyone without cable. →  Did I do that?