All you ever need to know about Japan

After spending 10 nights in Japan I am now qualified to make sweeping statements about the Japanese culture. The following are immutable truths (told in a convenient pros and cons style) about this wonderful and bizarre country:

Pro
Suntory Boss is the boss of them all since 1992.

Con
Japanese people seem as pro-Japan as Americans are pro-America. I was asked by one of my gracious host’s fathers why we came to Japan. He was an awesome guy but really pushed hard for an answer he found satisfactory. I think the question was probably just mistranslated and he actually asked, “How awesome is Japan?” The same day, a man on the street approached us and told us in English that “Japan is number 1.” With proof like that who was I to argue. Instead, we replied with, “Nippon ichi!” and he was gleeful and satisfied.

Pro
Engrish is awesome and plentiful. Some of my favorites taken from a photobooth – “Have fun it!”, “I want to try everything!” and the grammatically correct yet absurd, “You’ll be inferior to no one!” The amount of Engrish in Japan is puzzling – both of my hosts immediately knew “Have fun it!” made no sense.

Con
Japanese people have a terrible sense of fashion. Almost all girls wear high heels, one of every two cannot walk in them, and one in three women you see will have on a skirt that barely covers her ass. Men wear pink things and accessorize as much as the women.

Pro
Because so many men have purses and wear pink, I am a manly beast by comparison.

Con
Try having a large nose in a country where the people don’t have noses.

Pro
Most people are extremely polite. This is almost a con because after a certain amount of politeness you begin to feel like you’re putting people out. There are only so many gifts you can accept before you start to wonder if they’ll be able to pay for electricity next month.

Con
The only way to get service in many restaurants seems to be to scream “EXCUSE ME!” as obnoxiously as possible.
SUMIMASAAAAAN!!!!

Pro
Trains run on time. Coming back to Washington only to sit in stalled trains on a daily basis makes me ashamed.

Con
The few train delays are usually caused by people jumping in front of them. This is an acceptable form of suicide, but the train companies fine the families of the deceased for holding up peoples commutes.

Pro
Crime is almost non-existent. America should borrow their individuality crushing concepts of shame and honor.

Con
Suicide seems to be implicitly encouraged by the culture. For the record, jingles on the subway don’t cause people to kill themselves, despite common belief in Japan. Hive culture that assigns very little importance to the individual and inordinate amounts of stress to maintain your and your family’s honor may.

Pro
They aren’t religious – no one talks to you about Jesus.

Con
They are lying, they are so religious and superstitious that it has become ingrained in the culture. Japanese readers, the following things are irrelevant to your life:

Your name
Your fortune
Your blood type

Super bonus tip for Chinese readers – your birth year is irrelevant.

Pro
You will have a new sense of appreciation for the diversity to be found in America. If you aren’t American your country probably has at most two types of people and is far inferior to America, the greatest country and the only one God directly blesses on a regular basis.

Con
Despite my initial belief they were all faking, Japanese people really speak a different language. It’s about as close to English as sugar is to being stabbed in the groin with rock candy.

Pro
Upon returning to America you also gain insight into how difficult it is for foreigners. It is hard not to respect people who come here knowing no English and it seems clear the government should print documents in a variety of languages.

Con
If you aren’t Japanese, people whisper about you and children point. It’s startling how little diversity Japan has. Americans may be somewhat spoiled, but looking forward and only seeing people with black hair, brown eyes and similar face structures is somewhat unnerving.

Pro
Experiencing any new culture is a lot of fun yet it’s amazing how so many things can be different about groups of people yet still the same. They sit on the floor while they eat, use chopsticks, bow to greet each other, rarely say “no” directly, drive on the left side of the street and so on, but seem to have surprisingly similar social interactions. Eating with each of our host’s families was pretty much like dinner at my house with less yelling. People were jovial, relaxed and trying to make each other laugh.

Con
I quickly tire of seemingly pointless traditions. If my food doesn’t already know I’m going to eat it I don’t think telling it will change much, and why should I remove these slippers you forced me to put on just because I’m going from one room to another? I like to think I am an equally intolerant person so if you know for a fact there are seemingly pointless traditions I follow please let me know and I’ll work on excising them from my life. Things that are taken lightly and done for fun don’t count.

Pro
They have separate neighborhoods in both Tokyo and Kyoto for electronics and video games. If you want to buy a Saturn game in the states your only bet is Game Crazy and you’d better be looking for decade old sports games.

Con
Being a nerd in Japan is as socially damning as being a nerd anywhere else. I asked our host Aki to explain the word “otaku,” which is their version of “nerd.” She said in Japanese, otaku is associated with “Eeeww.”

“Good thing I have a girlfriend, then,” I responded.
“No, you can have a girlfriend and still be otaku.”

Pro
What qualifies as a nerd is slightly different. Everyone in Japan is a few points nerdier, so to be considered a nerd there takes some effort.

Con
The popular Japanese movie Train Man addresses the difficult life of nerds but the protagonist is a nerd to the extent that I think he is pathetic. And I am pathetic, so that’s a bad sign for him.

Pro
Nintendo’s headquarters are in Japan. I went there, stood outside, had my picture taken, and am now awesome.

Con
Nintendo’s headquarters are not worth visiting and are in a slum, though there are some rice and vegetable paddies across the street. Also, I wasted too much of a day trekking to Nintendo and my girlfriend is still pissed about it. Awesomeness always has a price.

Pro
Kirin Milk Tea is superior to all American beverages and every three feet there’s another vending machine. America’s crime rates being what they are, such an abundance of outdoor vending machines seems impossible here. This is the number one reason we must work on eliminating crime.

Con
Now that I’m hooked, I can’t find Kirin Milk Tea Special anywhere in the states.