Weekly News We Care About Wrap Up – 8.31.07

Nintendo stops whoring out Metroid, or at least Retro stops
Please, let Retro make a game it wants to make. I know you own them and want to assign them to a franchise because franchises make all the bling, but it’s really not in your (my) best interest. You have no “mature” themed franchises left, unless you’re giving them the next console Zelda. An excellent developer like Retro also deserves to be rewarded – let them design a game from the ground up. It could be dark, with nudity and blood everywhere. Perhaps bloody nipples. You know, mature.

You would get what you need out of them – an awesome title for the older gamer who is too insecure to play something cute and candy colored. Retro would get what (I assume) they want – the chance to make a game without being assigned 75% of the design.

I know you aren’t Nintendo, reader. Addressing you as if you were was some sort of literary device, possibly onomatopoeia.

Camelot still makes games!
So it’s a golf game for the Wii and not Golden Sun 3. And it’s being published by Capcom so they may have ended their relationship with Nintendo and we may never see another Golden Sun. The important thing is they are making video games.

If you haven’t been following my favorite developer closely lately (what are you, some kind of jerk?), a posting on their Japanese site led fans to believe they were now working only on cell phone games or PC software. Or love hotels. I’m really not sure because no one seemed to be able to translate what they were saying adequately and/or their site is filled with personal blog posts that have nothing to do with what they are making.

They may not be making RPGs right now, but knowing Camelot still makes console video games will allow me to sleep easy tonight.

When will Camelot deliver the hotly anticipated Beyond the Beyond sequel?

OMG Bioshock not true widescreen
As someone who owns an old TV, I am glad this happened. Screw you elitist rich pricks and your big TVs. Oh boo hoo, this game only looks completely awesome on your screens. It’s this tech-centric mentality some gamers have that leads manufacturers to release $600 dollar consoles and print games on unproven media. Hey Sony, here is a solution to storage problems – a second DVD. Bioshock plays exactly the same in any perspective that doesn’t severely hamper vision so unless the game only runs smoothly in the seldom used 1:3260 aspect ratio, there really isn’t a problem.

Of course if I had sunk thousands of dollars into a huge widescreen I’d also be pissy any time I couldn’t take full advantage of it. “Well fuck me! Honey Mooners is in standard def?!?”

Penny Arcade guy interviews Uwe Boll at PAX
Penny Arcade knows I am not a fan of theirs because I send them emails expressing this on a daily basis. As I have gotten older and busier, I’ve actually had to hire an assistant who does nothing but email websites, politicians and gymnasts I dislike. Calling PA’s comic an insider wank fest is fine for the standard troll, but I yearn for more. Luckily, this is a rare opportunity to argue that they are mean people (will your money and popularity ease that burn? I think not!). You see, they invited the infamous and talentless Uwe Boll to PAX and then were jerks to him in front of an audience.

Here’s where I defend Boll – His movies are hilarious. House of the Dead is supremely enjoyable due to its shittiness and should be respected as such. Video game plots are mostly all stupid anyway, so getting up in arms that he is ruining game stories by making bad movies is ridiculous. License owners continue to sell him the right to make movies of their games, so why not aim your pointless rage towards them? Finally, his movies actually make money. Most people have terrible taste and thus he continues to direct, which to me is a good thing. I’d much rather see an ineptly done Boll movie and enjoy the unintentional comedy than see another crappy Hollywood action blockbuster. Ben Affleck is more of an insult to cinema than Boll, go bother him.

Wii fastest selling console in all known universes

This is stupid. Yes, the Wii is selling really well. It may even sell the most of any console ever, or any Nintendo console, or any white console. These criteria are fine ways of measuring success because the timespan of forever seems less arbitrary than whichever timespan or milestone people often choose when writing an “X fastest selling y in z” story.

Which system sold the fastest between its 18th and 19th month on sale and why isn’t there a blurb on this systems box saying this? Actually, what I really want to know is which console sold one unit the fastest. The time period could no doubt be chosen in such a way as to make the 3DO the clear winner of “Fastest console to 1”.

The 32X’s claim to fame.

Blu Ray discs tiny compared to new competitor
The Teradisc holds 20 times as much as a dual layer Blu Ray disc. Expect the people who cried about Bioshock not being widescreen to now be upset that PS3 games need to fit on a measly 50GB disc. Dear god, imagine if in a few years a PS3 game actually came on…two discs? The horror.

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