posts by tony
tony

Virtual Console Reviews/Previews

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XBox Live Arcade:
This cutscene was awesome when I was younger … it still is.

Luxor 2: I played the first one on my PC and it was quite fun. Pretty much the same game as Zuma but with some added special effects and an Egyptian theme. The new version has almost 90 levels and supports HD 1080i, which is a great deal for the price. Plus, I love when games like this have a plot they want the gamer to care about. “You must save ancient Egypt from the terrible wrath of Set” … by shooting colored balls into a snaking line.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (arcade 1989): I know this one was technically released a couple of weeks ago, but I had to throw it into this list because it’s that good. I probably pumped a couple hundred dollars into this game when I was a kid and now you can get it for $5 (and that comes with unlimited lives). →  When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called a game.

Sony’s “big announcements” at GDC07

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I’m really unimpressed with Phil Harrison’s GDC07 presentation. Not one of the announcements made me re-think my choice to not purchase a PS3.

Playstation Home is basically “Second Life” or “There,” and not in any way new or innovative as the press keeps saying. Why would I want to use a $600 console to make an avatar and hang out in an online version of the Sims? And then pay real money for digital clothes and furniture to show off to people I wouldn’t want to talk to anyway? No thanks. This just seems to be Sony’s lame attempt at cashing in on the Web 2.0 market (the MySpace generation). “Hey kids, you can use this boxed computer and internet connection to talk to other people online. Don’t forget to make your avatar your own by giving us some cash for generic yet ad-supported mechandise. And remember, you can’t do this anywhere else.”

One of the biggest selling points he made was the ability to share your music and movies stored on the console with strangers who visit your house. →  Words are the towns and cities of letters.

Review – Super Swing Golf

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After playing my first round of Wii Sports golf I couldn’t wait for a developer to make a golf simulator for the system. I’m a huge fan of the Tiger Woods and Links series and an actual real-life golfer and the possibility of getting a solid golf sim on the Wii was quite exciting. Until then, I’ll have to make due with Super Swing Golf.

The primary thing that makes Super Swing Golf practically unplayable is the swing controls. If you’re going to put out a golf sim you’d better made sure your swing mechanics are rock solid. I don’t care that it’s a pseudo-rpg. I don’t care about the cutesy graphics and plot. I don’t care about fantasy courses. I want to swing my Wiimote like a real golf club and get real club-like results.

Sadly, this isn’t the game for that. In order to even get ready to hit the ball the player has to zoom out to view the course, select a club and spot to aim for, exit that view, return to the swing camera, use the Wiimote to hit a small “Swing” button on the left of the screen and then pretend to address the ball. →  This better not be as bad as everything else here.

Review – Prey

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I first heard about Prey in 1998 when sci-fi shooter was announced by 3D Realms as being in production for release on the PC “in the near future.” Apparently the near future is almost ten years later, and the PC they were talking about is the XBox 360 (although it was released for the PC shortly after). Regardless of how much time it’s taken, this game was conceived ten years ago and it shows.

We heard you guys were looking for extras for the new Doom game. What the hell is Prey? Ah, why not.

The gameplay is perfectly straightforward. You run around the levels and shoot aliens, you take their weapons, and then you kill tougher aliens with those new, more powerful weapons. There are four basic armaments (a very small number when compared to other recent shooters) and they are as unimaginative as you can get. Alien assault rifle — check. Alien heavy assault rifle — check. Alien creatures you can use as bombs — check (Half Life anyone?). →  READ3R

Review – Advent Rising

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This is one of those times I’m sorry I listened to the reviews on a game and passed it up. I had been following Advent Rising mostly because its story was written by Orson Scott Card (author of the Ender’s Game series) and it was originally supposed to be an epic, three-part sci-fi adventure. From the screenshots and scraps of gameplay videos I saw, it looked quite promising.

However, upon its release Advent Rising got anywhere from mediocre to downright insulting reviews. Most complained of crippling bugs and game engine problems, making the game virtually unplayable. Others said the story was boring and then made worse by bad voice acting talent. I have no idea what game these people were playing.

You see this glowing orb of destruction … yeah, not many people can do this.

This is in no way a perfect game. I did experience some slow down in the more graphically intense parts, but it was minimal. The story is very well told and held my interest throughout and I thought the voice acting was top notch. →  Read, you fools!

Review – Marvel: Ultimate Alliance (Wii)

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Marvel: Ultimate Alliance is a great game … just not for the Wii. I originally played it about a month ago on an XBox 360 and was quite impressed, and then I noticed that it was launching with the Wii. Something told me to lay off the knee-jerk purchase and use good ol’ Game Fly once again to test the waters with minimal cost. I sent the game back in four days.

The X-Men: Legends series is fantastic. Four-player (later over XBox Live) superhero, beat-em-up RPG. You just can’t go wrong. I played both versions through about three times trying to level up the thirty-some-odd unlockable characters, loving every minute of it. So when I heard that Marvel was teaming up with the same developer to make a game with over 150 playable superheroes spanning the entire Marvel universe I could barely wait. I decided to wait once I saw it in action on a 360, and in the meantime I had read some strange things about the Wii version and the game eventually made its way to the top of my rental queue. →  Shining Post: Legacy of Great intention

Review – Rampage: Total Destruction (Wii)

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Thanks to GameFly, I’m able to get my hands on games like this for a negligible cost, taking some of the sting away. I guess I wasn’t really expecting much from this game but I was still rather disappointed. I enjoyed playing the past iterations of the series… I mean, as much as one can enjoy this type of repetitive game play, and I was looking forward to some sort of innovative control scheme with the Wiimote. Nope.

The Wii functionality was obviously an afterthought, as you can only execute two movements with the motion sensing (a ground smash and a swipe attack). Movement in general was pretty sluggish, and there were times when I could barely get my monster to do anything let alone pull off the unlockable fancy combo moves. I use the term “fancy” here in the lightest sense. You climb buildings, you smash buildings, you eat the inhabitants along with the occasional piece of pie you happen to find inside a tank. →  Reading more, assemble!

Laying this generation to rest: Xbox

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The Xbox cost Microsoft a lot of money but as far as first entries into the console market go, was pretty successful. Not NES or PlayStation successful, but it sure made the Master System and CDi feel stupid. Microsoft’s machine thrived in Western markets and is seen by some as the hardcore system of choice. Apparently to these people, terrible Japanese support equals hardcore. Still, if you are a fan of FPSs and PC developers console games, the Xbox is an excellent system to own.

What would zombie Jesus do?

Joe –
Ninja Gaiden (Team Ninja/2004) — Told everyone what I’d been trying to say for years. Nintendo may have bought Sega (not literally) but Xbox got most of the games and the teams that made the Dreamcast fly. Ninja Gaiden also did major things for the way we look at arcade games and their interaction with Xbox Live.

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic — The best Star Wars movie since “Return of the Jedi.” →  Lamers so loved the world that they gave their only article, so that everyone who believes in reading won’t perish but will have eternal lives.

Review – Doom 3

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I didn’t understand all of the hype surrounding the release of Doom 3. So the graphics were cutting edge (assuming you wanted to drop $500 to get your memory and graphics card up to snuff), it was still a game based on a series well-known for having repetitious play and no story line whatsoever. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved playing the first Doom games/expansions, but I had a feeling they wouldn’t hold up if played them years later. I found my fears were correct as I tried to play both 1 and 2 off of the “Special Edition” Xbox game that comes with the entire set on one disc. Fun for the nostalgia, not so much for the gameplay. I made it about fifteen minutes in before moving on to the new game.

HA, I told you guys I could scare him off by myself …. what do you mean “turn around”?

Doom 3, though still quite repetitious, was a little better in the plot area and ended up being much more entertaining than I thought it would be. →  I only ask one thing. Don’t read in my way.

Review – BloodRayne 2

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A lot of reviewers would start this off by saying BloodRayne 2 “sucked” and then make some lame joke about this being a vampire game and there being a lot of “sucking” going on anyway. Well I think that sucks … and this game blows. If you’re not familiar with titular character you need only watch Uwe Boll’s opus “BloodRayne” to gain absolutely no insight whatsoever into this franchise and probably confuse the hell out of yourself in the process. Now that movie sucked!

Putting aside the cinematic abortion that will forever mar the face of this spotless product line, BloodRayne 2 is one of the most boring games I’ve played in a long, long time. Poor voice acting, horrible dialogue, tedious battles made even worse by a frustrating combat system… this puppy runs the gamut. The first game in the series wasn’t stellar by any means, but a game about a Nazi-killing vampiress is hard to screw up. Unless of course you remove the Nazis and move the story to present day, replacing them with cyberpunks that would make the Wachowski’s jealous. →  Apply directly to the forehead.

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