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Despite a great deal of pleading, Jay would not finance a single trip to TGS this year. This is because Jay is a big fat racist. So because we didn’t go we can’t present you with what we saw there. However, because we’ve got nothing else to do besides F5ing the internet we felt like we did go*. We felt like we were there and so here’s the high quality games journalism coverage you would have got, had we been there. Don’t say we don’t give you anything for free vl reader. There’s no point vocalising what we all know.

Videolamers TGS Coverage Issue:

Check out the 4500 photos that Christian took whilst dicking around in Japan. Japanese buildings, Japanese people in the street, signs in Japan in English, Japanese HMVs etc. etc.

Check out the 1200 photos that Jay took of Japanese people doing Cosplay including 978 photos of various Chun-Lis, 100 photos of the S.T.A.R.S team and over one hundred photos of characters from games that never made it out of Japan but in which, Camel Toe or side boob is visible. →  Ultima IV: Quest of the Avatarticle

Halo is as popular a game series as there is, yet I have always felt like it has suffered from a case of identity crisis.  First everyone derided the series as being a dumbed down FPS for jocks and kids.  Then a wave of revisionism swept through the land, and now even the snobbiest folks may consider the series a favorite of theirs.

With this week’s launch of Halo 3: ODST, the cycle may start anew.  The scores are pretty solid all around, but folks have found new ways to bring on the hate.  Among critics, there is far from universal love for ODST’s storytelling, both in regards to the hub world/flashback concept, or the Audio/Video logs scattered throughout.  From what I can tell, ODST is the closest Halo has gotten to the old Marathon style of narrative, but for some reviewers that has apparently become a bad thing, as it gets in the way of shooting things.

Among fans, there is dissent over the game’s price.  →  You’re tearing me apart lamers!

Writing about the hardcore/casual games divide was the new “Are Games Art” but now “There’s No Such Thing as Hardcore/Casual” is the new “There is a Hardcore/Casual Games and Gamers Divide”. This is a lie told to you by casual gamers. Casual gamers are limp-wristed liberals. HARDCORE gamers get chicks and drive huge cars and WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH defending the console that their Mom bought them.

But are you HARDCORE? Or are you a casual? Do you have armour piercing spermatozoa/ova or are you firing blanks? This is where the HARDCORE test comes in. If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you are NOT HARDCORE AT ALL. You are a casual homo. Don’t take this test if you don’t want the truth.

Remember, any Yeses, even one and you are disgusting. No yeses and you ARE A TRUE LEGEND!

Let the test begin, Schrodinger’s Gay:

Do you play games that have a HUD?
Have you played any of the following gay games: Army of Two, Gears of War, Civ III? →  For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a gamer against their game.

I have to give Cryptic Studios some credit: Realizing the current flood of MMOs on the market and the presence of another game that they helped develop in the exact same subgenre would hurt their sales, they created a business model for their newly released Champions Online that can thrive with as few as 10,000 subscribers. By catering to the niche of the niche and trying very hard not to even suggest that their new release is anything like the legendary and fabled World of Warcraft killer that fans have been waiting for for years now, Cryptic was able to explore cheesy silver age comics ideas to their fullest without having to live up to the lofty, unfulfilled expectations that are currently dooming Age of Conan and Warhammer: Age of Reckoning.

But deep inside a game of holographic floating brains and giant flaming apes is an unparalleled ability within a deep character creator to make a vast assortment of animal-based characters. →  Max Post 2: The Fall of Max Post

Reading even a few game sites is guaranteed to expose you to a certain amount of PR jizz: with machines like Microsoft, EA, Activision and others, it is inevitable you will be exposed to their products through the usual gaming channels. So it was with 1 vs 100 for me. By way of Penny Arcade, I was subjected to a face full of “OMG this game is awesome” jizz. But it was free, so I figured I’d check it out.

For those of you who have been held hostage in a shed for 18 years and were only recently freed, 1v100 is a gameshow that originated in the Netherlands and was hosted by Bob Sagat in the US. 1v100 pits the “one” against the “mob” in a series of trivia questions. The goal is for the “one” to outlast the “mob.” If a member of the mob gets a question wrong, he or she is out. As more mob members fail out, the cumulative prize pool increases. →  Welcome to read.

Now that videolamer has become the haven for misfit and under appreciated games, a review of perhaps the year’s biggest release seems out of place and wrong. As such, no review of the excellent and entertaining Batman: Arkham Asylum will be drafted by me for inclusion on this website. Besides, the internet is already chock full of reviews and I really would have nothing to add to the conversation. But I will do a blog entry on a tiny detail that has almost no impact on the game whatsoever: How the Batcave was included, and what other video game makers will hopefully learn from this.

As Batman kicks ass and takes names all across the island that holds Arkham and its many criminals, he eventually reveals that he has a hidden Batcave just for such emergencies. This is not an unexpected revelation, as Batman is the ultimate planner, always thinking of ways to be prepared for whatever may come. While his peers spend their days thinking about Lois Lane or running fast or protecting the galaxy from the mighty Qu’lar race of subterranean bug people, Batman is always envisioning what he will do if something goes wrong. →  We have the best words.

My initial thoughts of the DS, complete with its Nintendo Gimmick Stylus, was that it was a Junior Pokemon Power Ranger Machine (my affectionate nickname for the Wii that drives Jay up the wall). I had no desire to draw rainbows (for fear of pissing off these people) or successfully masturbate a virtual cat into ejaculation with a stylus, so the DS didn’t seem right for me. Of course, with a $200-ish pricetag and no games I like I didn’t seem like a PSP person either. I thought that my next generation future was the same as my high school prom future: bathroom abortion baby. Or more accurately, being date-less.

Then I started finding good RPG games on the DS. Etrian Odyssey (1 and 2), Chrono Trigger, Magical Starsign, Final Fantasy Tactics A2, Dragon Quest 4 (it gets a grudging “good” vote) and now Devil Survivor have all sucked me in. I had the desire to play nearly all of those games in my home, as opposed to on the go, which is the highest compliment a DS game can get from me–being the best available option in my house full of video game toys. →  Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this post!

Being a game journalist is hard. From thinking of sensational headlines to figuring out how to post rumors as truth, the pressure to deliver stories whether they exist or not can be crushing. Luckily there is a web forum called NeoGAF that any reputable journalist can use as a primary source without that pesky “old man journalist” idea of citing sources.

A poster on NeoGAF believed he found new information about an old Suda51 project for the PS3 that Edge magazine profiled years ago. Other forum members, being significantly more discerning than game journalists, realized this was old news, mocked the poster and then moderators locked the thread.

Instead of ending there, as a simple mistake by an excited fan on a web forum, the news was picked up by multiple outlets. Crack reporter Jim Sterling reported the news of a new Suda51 game for Destructoid without giving any source beyond a GameSpy page that hasn’t had a content update since October ’06 and a page of images that was also posted that year. →  Sounds amazing, I must read it now!

What makes books so compelling? Lots of things, but one important facet is the ability of words, mere signifiers, to incite incredible images inside a reader’s brain. Few games encourage this, with their fancy polygons and all, but the same principle exists in them, whether it’s intentional or not.

When I first loaded Pokemon Red Version it was immediately obvious that the graphics were limited, or, to put it in nicer terms, pixelated representations of reality. Translating the sprites into concrete objects was something my brain had to acquire a taste for. I clearly remember not being able to find the exit of Ash’s home, and eventually learning that a certain rectangle on the floor represented the welcome mat and the door was off-screen from that. This sort of thing seems elementary now. Considering Pokemon’s limited environments are it makes sense that the series was never renown for them, but rather the adorable monsters themselves and their many fights. The battles were amazing. →  The happiest post on Earth.

I would like to diverge from videogame discussion for a moment to bring attention to a disturbing reality: the very cool website Eegra is facing some serious financial problems. On their front page you can see some posts explaining the situation and how it can possibly be resolved. It makes me sad to no longer see their daily articles in my feed reader, and I hope they manage to work everything out soon. I decided to help in the only way I know how, blogging about it.

If you don’t know what Eegra is, it’s a quirky blog-thingy about videogames. It’s full of humor, indie/obscure games, and is run by some awesome and intelligent people. It helped inspire me to write about games and made me enthusiastic for gaming blogs.

Since they’re not updating very much anymore, here are a few highlights for you to read:

Who Is Kevin VanOrd, and Why Is His Jaw Tired?

Chris Buffa and GameDaily – the saviours of games journalism? →  Jesus: Readful Bio Monster