Writing about the hardcore/casual games divide was the new “Are Games Art” but now “There’s No Such Thing as Hardcore/Casual” is the new “There is a Hardcore/Casual Games and Gamers Divide”. This is a lie told to you by casual gamers. Casual gamers are limp-wristed liberals. HARDCORE gamers get chicks and drive huge cars and WILL FIGHT YOU TO THE DEATH defending the console that their Mom bought them.
But are you HARDCORE? Or are you a casual? Do you have armour piercing spermatozoa/ova or are you firing blanks? This is where the HARDCORE test comes in. If the answer to any of these questions is yes, you are NOT HARDCORE AT ALL. You are a casual homo. Don’t take this test if you don’t want the truth.
Remember, any Yeses, even one and you are disgusting. No yeses and you ARE A TRUE LEGEND!
Let the test begin, Schrodinger’s Gay:
Do you play games that have a HUD?
Have you played any of the following gay games: Army of Two, Gears of War, Civ III?
Have you played a game using any other peripheral than a joypad or light gun?
Have you played an Indie game?
Have you played on a Gameboy Advance?
Have you played a PSP?
Have you ever read an instruction booklet?
Have you never pulled off a fatality?
Have you ever cried at a game?
Do you only play games when you are awake?
Do you only play FPSs?
Do you play PC games?
Do you have Friends online?
Do you only have letters in your gamertag?
Do you think Zero Punctuation is funny?
Have you ever whined on a forum?
Do you no-scope?
Have you ever played a game and not completed it?
Do you only play games in your mother tongue?
Have you ever used Oddjob in Goldeneye?
Have you ever used Robofish or the chimps in Timesplitters?
Do you choose Ryu or Ken over Dan?
Have you ever downloaded anything from the Virtual Console, PSN or XBLA?
Have you ever bought a game second hand?
Have you ever referred to Resident Evil, with the exception of the bit in Resident Evil 2 when the Licker jumps through the mirror, as scary?
Have you ever turned the light on to play a game?
Have you ever played as a woman character?
Have you ever chosen to wear gear that is pink or pinkish in hue?
Have you ever played a racing game on automatic rather than manual?
Have you ever lost to someone younger or older than you?
Have you ever played a game on any difficulty other than the highest difficulty available?
Have you ever thrown a controller when you lost?
Have you ever used a continue?
Have you ever played Final Fantasy X-II?
Have you never played Advance Wars?
Have you ever turned off your games device to spend quality time with your family or significant other?
Have you ever gotten past first base?
Have you ever demanded that a class gets nerfed?
Have you ever walked through a room and it was more like the room passed around you?
Any Yeses at all or even one instance of hesitation: Casual gamer. You casual gamer pussy. How dare you. This is not the place for you. How dare you infringe on my pastime. This is how I pass the years until I die. You are not having fun. You think you are but you are ruining it. You are bringing it down for everyone. Get out. Get out and never come back.
ALL NOs: Congrats bro. You are hardcore to the max. Go out into the internet and fill up the comments and message boards with one shot statements of your hardcoreness. Laugh in the face of PC babies. Call everything that isn’t as hardcore as you gay.