Farmer’s Diary, Day 1
I have no knowledge of my past. I found myself in a town I had never heard of with only a half-dozen denizens. They told me I could have the farm. How kind of them to take me in for a while.
Now I just need to get some seeds, plow some spaces of earth, and water ’em. No sweat!
Farmer’s Diary, Day 2
Some giant stone whale-shaped island in the sky is blocking the sun. My crops demanded retribution, so I shouldered my hoe and readied my hammer. Climbing a convenient beanstalk, I reached the whale and it spoke to me! It told me to explore it and find out why it’s slowly dying. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don’t know the first thing about whales. Or islands. Especially flying ones.
I fended off some goblins, but then I got tired because I’d spent most of the day watering my crops. And now the crops were unhappy again since the whale hadn’t moved any.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 5
The people in this town are crazy! One of them gave me a brush and told me to brush the monsters in the whale to make them my friends. Why would I want a goblin for a friend? Why does a blob enjoy being brushed? One girl is obsessed with turnips and wants me to grow nothing else. I’ve got to get out of here, but they bolted the gate and the whale won’t move either. At least the glowing smiley-face runeys are here to keep me company. I just have to keep them well-tended with a vacuum another of these lunatics gave me.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 10
My new goblin friend looks like he’ll at least help me harvest vegetables. He’s willing to go to Whale Island with me, but these things go down in two hoe-whacks so he’s not gonna help much. Turnip-lover wanted me to take care of some grass in front of her house. When I cut it I found a green labyrinth filled with rabid but oh-so-cuddly monsters. What the hell is wrong with this town? I find myself enjoying taking care of the fields and occasionally mining iron in the Whale. Maybe I should be worrying what’s wrong with me.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 13
I made a sword to help me plumb the depths of the dungeons, but I still collapse after a few hits. At least the cute nurse-nun somehow saved me. I’m not going to worry too much about how. If I could at least make some armor I could go farther, but the book-loving lady won’t sell me recipes for anything but pendants and fuzzy hats. Is she hinting at something? More importantly, how does that effeminate merchant lug around forges and kitchens wherever he goes? Somehow I can get either for 5 turnips. Does nobody farm around here or is Turnip-lover causing a boom in the market?
Farmer’s Diary, Day 20
Too many strawberries. Way too many strawberries. Gobby collapsed from exhaustion. No time for dungeons. Rocks taking over my farmyard. Rocks, weeds, strange grass, and tree stumps that appear overnight. I think the carpenter is putting the stumps there, trying to drum up some business. I can’t see why he needs it since he raises crops too. Spent the last precious hours of daylight redistributing the runeys. Can’t let them die out.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 25
Made some progress in the Green Ruins. Found a chicken who will give me eggs. Managed to kill a hippogryph, but nobody in town seems to care much. “Oh, that’s impressive.” You had a freaking giant hippogryph hanging out just a few floors beneath your feet and you aren’t the least concerned? I bring back proof of the dangers underneath and they hardly seem to be fazed. “What is this? Toxin from a monster? Thanks… I guess.” These people are mad, and I feel myself slipping further each day.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 31
I know that huge mansion wasn’t there yesterday. Now that I think of it, the bathhouse appeared overnight too. And the grocery store. Carpenter seems to bend time when practicing his craft. Asked him if he could help out with the monsters and he started singing a creepy song. Walked away slowly. Asked the only other farmer for advice about crops. He said something about winning a boat competition and hinted that he was single. Walked away slowly.
A new dungeon appeared. It’s a huge hellish lava cave. I’ll stick to the whale, but I can’t seem to make much progress. Silver’s needed to make better weapons, and I need better weapons to try and find silver.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 35
Alas, poor Wolfy, I knew him well. A monster of great mirth… and an appropriate distraction for giant fireballs while I snatched some silver and ran like hell. Made a new watering can so I can work faster. Maybe now I can spend more time exploring. Turnip-lover insists I keep developing my field. I can’t see why, since she should know turnips don’t grow in the summer.
Realized making the watering can used up my silver. Must get more tomorrow.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 37
Fire hurts. Caught a cold after I tried to mine some silver and a huge fireball snuck up behind me. How did that give me a cold? Why was the nurse in the lava ruins? I’ve begun to believe this is some horrible experiment to see how much madness I can take. I’ll show them. I’ll show them all. Once I get more silver I can make more stuff and kill more monsters. That will show them. Or is that exactly what they want?
Farmer’s Diary, Day 40
Got more silver and reached the next floor with shiny new equipment. The farm practically runs itself now; watering the crops takes a mere hour and all harvesting is taken care of by the trusty Gobby. No monsters dropping new materials for stuff, but I managed to scrape together a few odds and ends.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 50
No matter what I do, I can’t progress more than an inch each day. No new equipment means no significant progress, and no progress means no equipment. Who designed this horrifying nightmare I find myself in? An endless day of eternal torment. Wake up, water the crops, greet the (cute) mail lady, vacuum my runey friends, reach the third floor of the Lava Cave, greet the (cute) general store lady when she comes for Gobby’s bounty, reach a giant tree on the Whale, go to bed.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 61
No progress on dungeons. Lots of silver but nothing to do with it. Made cat ears. They seem to intimidate monsters, but Carpenter looks at me funny when I wear them. Finally found materials for a new weapon, but it seems to miss half the time. Starting to hate this invisible-walled prison. At least the runeys still like me. Most of them, anyway; the tree runeys have been giving me the silent treatment.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 62
Just what I needed; my very own heckler. He seems to be the only sane one here; at least he takes pleasure in normal things, gives me money for stuff I give him, and seems somewhat vigilant with respect to the impending monster invasion. Whale Island is full of hellish monsters now, and the Lava Cave is no better. Monsters don’t help. Equipment doesn’t help. What am I supposed to do? It’s clear that nothing will change if I don’t progress. Nobody says anything different; it’s as if the day-to-day simply doesn’t exist for them.
Farmer’s Diary, Day 79
To whoever finds this document: please take the farm. Take care of the runeys, at least the grass ones. They’ve always been my favorites. You can keep whatever’s in the crate and the fridge, not that any of it will do you much good. I’ve finally decided to try to escape this prison by leaping off the fin of the whale and swimming for shore. I suggest you do the same.
I liked this review and believe it or not I would get this game if it didn’t have rune in the title.
Funniest review EVER! Great job. You are a comedy genius.