Review – Heavenly Sword demo

Well, it’s come to this. The best offering for the PS3 right now is a fucking DEMO. After enduring months of postponed releases and crocodile tears over how “hard” it is to develop for the PS3 we finally have a kickass demo. Why not wait another few days and write a review for the full release, you ask? Because I have lost all hope that any PS3 game will ever be released on time. (See my nonexistent review of Lair dated Nov. 17, 2006) Since it’ll take longer to read this article than play the demo, I’ll take you through all the other unnecessary pre-release media as well.

The game’s controls and what’s really happening onscreen go together like Depends and a thong. On numerous occasions, I had to wonder if I had downloaded the demo or just a game video, and I was pretending to play along like a four year old who’s run out of tokens at Chuck E. Cheese. It took me a while to notice though, because every one of the main character, Nariko’s, animations are fucktasticly awesome on either a slow motion sword slicing or nut smashing finishing move level. Plus, this level of realism combined with wild button mashing is sure to cause a titty to fall out sooner or later.

About three seconds into the story, it’s clear that the only way to avoid a serious brain injury is to concentrate on chesticles during the cutscenes. I’ve been playing video games since Pitfall Harry had to jump on crocodile heads instead of just walking around a small pond, so I’m accustomed to video games insulting my intelligence, but Heavenly Sword is saying it needs a microscope to find my intelligence’s dick.

The game’s developer, Ninja Theory, is hoping that the cultural clusterfuck that they are substituting for plot is going to confuse us into thinking this game has depth. Supporting this conclusion, half of the demo takes place on a mile high crumbling column of no architectural or military function, which is accessible only by rope supports, yet legion after legion of guards quickly rush to defend it from me.

Clearly, this game should have been called God of War 3 with Chicks. But let me be clear, I have no problem with this. We all enjoy something new, but who the fuck really cares? Fortunately, sex and violence have already been invented, and have yet to become something I’m not interested in. Not to mention that God of War was the shitsauce, and I’ll take what I can get when it comes to the PS3 these days. Throwing in better graphics and hot women only improves an already beautiful concept.

Okay, so the dual swords on chains goes way too far, but most of what is going so wrong in this game won’t bother me for one simple reason: During the opening sequence Nariko turns to her coked-up female companion, grabs her by the face and says, “We may need you to play twing-twang.”

This is why I’m so forgiving of this game’s tendency to rip off God of War, and in fact, counting on it. Full on, hot, donut bumping mini games. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what twing twang is, but I headed over to Ron Jeremy’s myspace page just to check my facts. From there I was able to compile the following great moments in twing-twang:

I don’t know about you, but this scene used to interrupt my childhood G.I. Joe action figure battles about every three minutes.

Actually…same goes for my transformer battles.

Then there’s the “making of” documentary and animated series. (Wait – I’m sorry, you don’t get to be an animated series just because you split a five minute animated short into ten parts unless you’re George Lucas.) And since when did anyone want to see a “making of” documentary for a game they’ve never played? Nevertheless, Ninja Theory has released a five part documentary titled, We SO Made an Awesome Game for the PS3.

It’s hilarious to listen to the development team praise themselves for originality in game design because they used a female lead. They go on about how their original concept was for a male lead and how revolutionary it was when one non-gay intern suggested adding huge breasts and a thong into a video game.

Ninja Theory gets even more self congratulatory in the “animated series” back-story. This details the sword’s history (I’ll summarize to save you some time here) as a totally rad sword that kicks everyone’s ass right in the face. Like Daddy Warbucks, the nomadic cult who inexplicably carry this sword around await a male heir to take over their phallus worshiping clan, only to be awarded, holy shit, with a girl.

I know I make a lot of shit up, but this is an actual screenshot from the documentary. In case you missed it, the developers drive home the point that they used a female lead by including a segment of themselves [poorly] rendering Nariko’s vagina. Be sure to notice the attention they paid to not putting a penis here. Also notice that they have no idea what it’s supposed to look like.

In the clip, the guy who delivers the baby looks down to notice the missing package and actually says, “What I saw then [the vajayjay] would haunt me for the rest of my life.”

Story aside, I gotta agree, that motherfucker does haunt us all. How long have we gazed upon the mysterious ham wallet only to once again reach the chilling conclusion that we’ll never figure out where it keeps its magical powers? But, it’s inclusion in any form of popular (or unpopular, for that matter) media is not fucking original.

Regardless of its flaws, I expect Heavenly Sword to promote boners and bloodshed as well as Superman 64 promoted the experience of being Christopher Reeve. So, don’t look for a further review from me when the full game finally comes out, as I plan on spending the next few weeks talking my girlfriend into talking her friends into a twee way twing-twang.

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