Review – Freshly-Picked Tingle’s Rosy Rupeeland

Tingle is a range of stylized sexual enhancements from Durex, defined by creating a tingling sensation during coitus. The tingling sensation is derived from mint extract. It comes in two distinct forms: condoms and an water-based lube. The sexual enhancer lube has received some criticism as the tingling sensation has received negative reviews when used internally.

You see what I did there? I made a joke. You see, I am reviewing a DS game called “Freshly-Picked Tingle’s Rosy Rupeeland” which of course features the unwelcome addition to the Zelda series, Tingle. But, and this is the crux of the joke, Durex (www.durex.com) also have a brand called “Tingle”. Oh, the hilarity.

Right, so, this “game” starts with Tingle’s journey to becoming Tingle, and his quest to get into “Rupeeland” where, and get this, women will touch him. After you have this introduction to the game it all seems to go more BAT-SHIT INSANE. He gets into fights and wins by licking the opponent; he is constantly looking for rupees as if he has none he’ll die. In essence, the games currency is also HP. In amongst all the clowns and Marilyn Monroe impressions, you find yourself struggling to work out if he is battling people or coming-on to them.

The game seems to be based around a giant joke pointed in the general direction of aging Nintendo fanboys; the fact that they state he is 35, rotund, and imply that he is entirely inadequate with women just seems to confirm this. So in general it is a game about a hallucinating autistic, and is perhaps targeted at the same market.

Also quite why it was thought that Europe should get this game but America shouldn’t is poorly understood, considering that Zelda is much more popular in America than it is here and Nintendo usually doesn’t like releasing PAL games. Perhaps Nintendo think Europe is full of tripped-out fanboys with ass-burgers. Either way, like a child that has received a birthday present that is shaped like a game, feels like a game, but when you open it, it is a cabbage carved into the exact image of your grandmothers ankle, I say, “So, yeah, erm, thank you?”

FYI – I got 20 minutes into this game before my head started hurting.

Richie: And now the most important part. A review of the boxart. Which is the most important part since people seem to exhibit zero discrimination on the quality of the games they buy IM TALKING ABOUT YOU EVERY SINGLE WII PARTY GAME.

Cunzy1 1: Oh man. This image disturbs me. At school we were given these little books about sex-ed. It was the boys version. On one page it went on about how it was normal to think of weird things when you have a wank. The little image next to this paragraph was of a guy holding his cock, wearing socks(?), laying in a field of rabbits and butterflies. This boxart reminds me of that. Plus it is in French.

Richie: The pic actually sums up the French quite well, I also like the www.pegi.info font.

Cunzy1 1: That’s my favourite part. That and the question mark. Not too chunky, not too lean. Tingle looks like a Viz cartoon. Except Tingle should be Gordon Brown or something.

Richie: They couldn’t even employ an artist who could do hands.

Cunzy1 1: This picture was probably found in the back of someone’s school book.

Richie: Could you imagine if your mother found this image in the back of your school book?

Cunzy1 1: No more video games for life. And she’d probably send you to one of those Christian make-you-straight camps. For life.

All encompassing and endless axilliophilia,

Richie