This is not a review. You’ve played Catan and you love it. If you haven’t, you will. If you don’t there is something broken with the gamer inside of you and it needs to be fixed. Let me suggest an age old cure: Play Catan.
I spent Memorial Day settling Catan. A great time, to be sure. Fun was had, Catan was settled, achievements unlocked and a whole lot of settlements were built. What was not fun, however, was finding out that Microsoft’s xBox Live skill based matchmaking service is actually a portal to a goddamned other dimension; one whose petulant inhabitants do things that resemble settling Catan but interpret any reciprocal action as some sort of lurid farce and act on what seems to be merely impulse when entering any sort of communicative contract.
I expect infantile commentary in Gears. I just put a chainsaw through your crotch, call me a f4g and respawn. That makes sense. It can actually be quite enjoyable as at once you have a free license to respond in any manner you deem necessary and discover new and interesting ways to pronounce/emit/modify any manner of explicatives in an effort to question your opponent’s sexuality, virginity, parental living situation or general inability to reload the fucking gun.
There has to be some sort of bastion, right? Wouldn’t Catan be a perfect fit? A safe haven? I mean, seriously: One’s ability to rocket jump from the other side of the arena and snipe your head from space can’t be made an analogue to rolling a seven, right?
One guy actually called me, and I quote, a “fucking dumbass newb cheaper” because I got the longest road. I rolled a seven at one point and allusions were made to my opponent’s apparently intimate relationship with my mother.
Yeah, there is a mute option – which I eventually used – but I still wonder: Was it wrong for me to think that a strategy board game should be any less infested with gamer etiquette than, say, an FPS?