Breaking News – Swine Flu Hits Video Games

Today a number of video games started to quarantine characters in fear of the spread of Swine Flu. Here is the latest news our surviving reporters could get:

Sea islands off the coast of the Kingdom of Hyrule have been hit with devastating losses so far. One eye witness account illustrates the horror in the cel-shaded kingdom: “The pigs were going fucking mental man. Snorting, squealing and grunting all over the place. There was blood everywhere. Fortunately, Link was there. He was trying to save them with some kind of pork injection but it wasn’t working. They just kept dying. Oh man the blood.” On going to press, weird rumours report popular pederast, Tingle, has dressed as a pig and is looking for Link. More when we get it.

Meanwhile, in Beyond Good and Evil, shallow stereotype depicting all men as pigs, Pey’J is totally fine. Here is what he had to say: “I represent men you see? Jade, she gets some sweet hips and some green lipstick. She takes photos and is intelligent. She’s a woman. I’m a dirty pig who likes fixing things. I am man geddit? Why does no one fight my cause on the internet. It’s not even accidental sexism. I am a pig. Or a boar.”.

On questions about a Beyond Good and Evil 2: “I don’t give a fuck what they do. Set it in space. Or on an ice world or whatever. Introduce dual wielding for all I care. Just as long as they don’t turn us into another fucking ‘Imagine’ or worse a raving rabbids game. I just don’t care. I get paid right? Right?”

In Animal Crossing: Let’s go to the City, a bizarre form of the flu makes the porcine residents flash their beef (bacon?) curtains to fellow citizens. This strange form is being investigated further by local medicine man Dr. Shrunk.

Residents in the RTS, Al-Quraysh report no problems whatsoever. “Everything is fine here, maybe a bit hot. Otherwise no problems!”.

Today, as the media makes the whole world panic like a bunch of headless chickens with ridiculously scary headlines in newspapers and 24 hour rolling news coverage of Swine Flu the whole world turns to worry about O.B. Christ, the President of the World. Many press sources have confirmed that he survived the “Death Hug” earlier in April but many forget the danger lurking in the little white box that his children love. One Whitehouse aide is quoted: “He has a fucking Wii in the Whitehouse man and he loves Wind Waker. He could have been playing it all night for all I know. MAYBE HE IS PLAYING IT NOW??”

Also, Nintendo have been labeled “Sick and disgusting” by every single Health Organisations today for the release of Party Pigs Farmyard Games for the Nintendo Wii. Dr Margaret Chan, director of the World Health Organisation called the game “Significantly worse than Wii Sports”. She went on to claim: “I just don’t get all these party games on the Wii. Sure there is a quick buck to be made but none of these idiots seem to even try to make these games even remotely challenging or interesting. Nintendo should step in because it is damaging the Wii’s representation.”

When asked about the Swine Flu pandemic Dr Chan looked confused and then somewhat panicked.

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Spyder Mayhem
Spyder Mayhem
15 years ago

I hope the pandemic kills each and every avatar in Second Life.

15 years ago

Mmmm…..bacon curtains.