What are your gaming politics?

Pat Buchanan
Only plays Wisdom Tree titles.

Video games are a lot like politics. There are gamers who cry every time someone makes money, those who wouldn’t mind if Electronic Arts bought their children and then some people in the middle. I’ve compiled a list of what I identify as the most common types of gamers and listed their beliefs as seen through a political eye, but keep in mind I am biased by my own beliefs, both political and… gamitical. Call everyone into the room to find out what each other are. It’s fun for the whole family. Sorry, Nazi Gamer isn’t on the list, dad.

The big two – Most gamers, and decent Americans, fit into one of these two categories.

Liberal Gamer: The possible upcoming game price increase is unnecessary and will only lead to more piracy. What happened to the money we were supposed to save on the change over from carts to CDs anyway? The market exists to serve gamers because we allow the market to exist so the idea that we should all fall to our knees and thank the publishers for giving us games is ridiculous.

Exclusivity deals like the one EA has with the NFL will only hurt us in the long run and prevent smaller companies who have much potential from shining because their games have lost before the first line of code is written. There is a point where it doesn’t matter how talented you are because the other guy is just too rich and powerful.

A lot of people close their eyes to the destruction enormous companies are doing to the art but they will realize what’s happened after the industry has another crash. A publisher who bought you is a publisher who wants to tell you what to design because their money isn’t free. As publishers buy up all the little guys we will be left with less choice and more GTA clones.

Loves Manhunt.

A bad game from any company is a bad game. My favorite companies have put out plenty of shit and I am strong enough to admit that while some gamers need lie to themselves and pretend their company is infallible.

Conservative Gamer: A price increase will only make the games we play better. Some people love to complain about everything and they do not realize how much they take for granted. Pay money to keep the industry afloat and my favorite games coming out? Yes, please.

The market will do what it will do. Some companies will buy others and some will buy exclusive deals. A lot of companies want to buy exclusive rights but only one gets them in the end. It is not the fault of that company because it won and it exclusivity could end up strengthening the brand. If a talented developer always makes a series then football fans won’t have to endure any more Quarterback Club games.

The strength of the system is that I do nothing and it all works itself out and those purchased by publishers will have more access to funds and tools to make better games for us. The companies lost in shuffles are usually not worthwhile because the most talented people survive. People who complain about buyouts and mergers either hate business or love to complain. Probably both.

A company I love deserves my respect and loyalty. A true fan accepts all their company puts out and does not bad mouth any of their games for the sake of humor or fitting in. Those who are loose with their insults are not true fans of the companies they say they support.

Will not participate in party games.

The Third Parties of Game Politics – A lot of the fringe parties attract only the most hardcore gamers. Since fringe parties often have very specific platforms and agendas there are a good number of them.
Libertarian Gamer: The liberal gamers are right that a bad game should be called a bad game, but the conservative gamers are dead on with their take of the market.
Independent Gamer: I agree with some from each of the first two camps but not with the libertarian gamer. Plus I don’t want to vote in the primaries.
Communist Gamer: New technology will eventually eliminate the current system and give universal access to the tools of game development. Publishers will die a painful death, no longer sucking the blood of the creative people who carry them on their backs. Console makers will starve as their systems become obsolete in the face of the new open source universal platform. Your days are numbered, bourgeois gamers.
Reform Gamer: New technology will soon destroy any last ounce of joy video games may still bring people. Simplicity and fun have been pushed aside for complexity and work in the name of progress. The classics are still the best and always will be. If I wanted to read pages of dialog I’d buy a book and if I wanted to see hours of cut scenes I’d see a movie.

Sequels are the sigh of the oppressed developer.

American Heritage Gamer: Secular games focus on violence and sexuality and are destroying today’s youth. All games should be based on Scripture and should be nonviolent, unless the violence is on God’s command or being done by Him.

Green Gamer: Stop cutting down trees for game manuals.

And one more – Just because the one listing in this category accounts for a huge minority when it comes to real American politics.

Unregistered Gamer: I only play sports games and/or am 12.

Did you find yourself on the list? Game Politics are nearly as complicated as real politics so no one (interesting) falls perfectly within one category. But at least with this list you probably have a better understanding of not only your beliefs but of what people who are wrong believe. Personally, I am a Fascist Gamer. Everything in the Game, nothing outside the Game, nothing against the Game.

Information and links for actual political parties:
Democratic Party – Socially and fiscally liberal (moderate). Spends too much time worrying about video games, protesting music, and being conservative in general.
Republican Party – Socially and fiscally conservative. Also spends too much time worrying about video games. Currently doing a fantastic job running the country.
Libertarian Party – Socially liberal and fiscally conservative. Friends of video games but only as long as they don’t conflict with economic prosperity. Represented by Penn and Teller.
Communist Party – Calls for “Bill of Rights Socialism” and write existential plays. Had run the successful Eugene V Debs until I remembered he ran as a Socialist, not Communist.
Reform Party – Doesn’t sound too insane until you remember Pat “We’re going to bring back God and the Bible and drive the gods of secular humanism right out of the public schools of America” Buchanan was the last guy they ran.
American Heritage Party – Entirely miss the point of a country founded on reason and tolerance. Very selective in what they recall as America’s Heritage.
Green Party – Tree huggers who pulled a huge 2.74% of the presidential vote in 2000. They dream of running a candidate as successful as Ross Perot.
Nazi Party – The American Nazi party seems to be gone, but we are still lucky enough to have the National Socialist Movement around to look out for the needs of racist assholes everywhere. Unlike anarchists, who seem less stupid the more you learn about them, knowing the NSM’s actual platform only makes them more terrifying/moronic.
Pot Party – All the best parties have only one position.
Southern Independence Party – Still pissed about the outcome of the Civil War. If these guys are going to be the ones to run the new Confederacy, good luck.
Pacifist Party – An easy target.
Family Values Party – Their founder was spoken to directly by God. Vote for him or prepare to be smitten.
Pansexual Peace Party – Another quality party that cannot afford its own domain name. The good news for us is that they explicitly denounce violently overthrowing the current regime, so we have little to fear from their swelling ranks of supporters.
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