Wario Ware Smooth Moves for the Wii — In playing this game I discovered a maxim that holds true. In observing my personal failures and some of my friend’s successes in playing the Wario Ware mini games, I discovered this: The extent to which you are good at Wario Ware is the extent to which you are a bastard. This is because Wario Ware has been created to reward the wicked and punish those of us with dignity and gameplay standards like functional controls or knowing game objectives before you lose. Wario Ware apologists would have you believe that the minigames are varied, fun, and fair — but they would be lying. 80% of the games can be won only by shaking the remote, or occasionally waving it around or throwing it at your friend.
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Most Wario Ware fans don’t realize that you can do this IRL, too. |
Here is a list of the minigames available in Wario Ware:
Shake the remote to shuffle papers
Shake the remote to put out a fire
Shake the remote to grate cheese
Shake the remote to grind an herb
Shake the remote to open some curtains
Shake the remote to seduce an older woman
Shake the remote to hula-hoop
Shake the remote to roast some meat
Shake the remote to put-down an injured dog
Use the remote to balance a broom on screen, in the simulated gravity of Jupiter
Wave the remote around to pick up an apple
Use the remote to guide fingers into orifices
Throw the remote at the TV as hard as you can (this minigame can be improvised during any other minigame)
If the games are so simple, you might ask, then how does anyone lose? One of two ways:
1) The controls do not respond or the game arbitrarily decides you did not shake fast or slow enough.
2) You wave the remote instead of shaking it or vice versa.
3) You are not a shit-eating bastard.
Although this game was one of the anticipated big multiplayer titles for the Wii, when you buy the game and bring it to play with some friends you will discover that multiplayer is locked until a single person completes 40 minutes of training, causing me to go play Warcraft III on your computer instead.
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“Focus on the top of the object you are trying to balance. Look at the top, not the bottom. And make sure the area around you is clear.” |
Although up to 100 people can play at a time, the game only supports a single controller, so you will have to wait until the game chooses to remove a player for not shaking his controller at the right angle before you can play. However, this is beneficial because connecting a second remote to the Wii is almost impossible. Also, if you are not standing in front of the screen, positioned in the middle of the sensor the game will not recognize your frenzied shakes/waves correctly.
In playing Smooth Moves, did my friends and I have fun? Did we laugh? Perhaps. But every time we laughed it was when someone failed inexplicably at a seemingly simple task (shaking the remote) or when a ‘game’ would appear that the player had no idea how to perform. If you like shitty flash games that you can play for free on the internet, non-functioning controls, angering your friends and family, doing lots of drugs, and doing things on a console that you could do IRL, or if you simply have no soul, buy this game and enjoy spending time unlocking the only feature it was intended for (multiplayer). Otherwise, your time is better spent balancing household objects.