Review – Halo 2 Vista

Is Halo 2 for Windows Vista Worth Your Hard Earned Cash?

If you’re reading this (which you clearly are) I assume that you fall into one of two categories:

1. You are thinking of re-buying your favorite XBOX game for the PC and are wondering if $50 for a three year old game that you already have might be worth it.

2. You want to get a well detailed laugh at the people in category #1.

So, sure, I’ll save you some precious expending of your literacy skill and humor you with the summary of this review: Of course not.

But you already knew that. Unless you suffer from chronic short term memory, and frequent Books-A-Million every ten minutes to pick up your copy of Teen People, you don’t need me to tell you not to buy things that you already bought. If you do, welcome to my review, Memento, now get on up to the store before it closes, and don’t forget your Teen People.

But the issue here, category one-ers, is that you love Halo and you’re going to buy this game no matter what I say. You’re all hot for Halo 3 to come out, and this whore comes along looking for attention and acting like she’s finally dumping the douche bag she’s been dating. You know she’s not about to show you the goods, but you still stock up on tequila and invite her over, hoping that maybe, just maybe, this could be the time she gets just drunk enough to mistake you for her asshole boyfriend before she passes out.

Hey, I know what it’s like to be a fanboy. My love for both Hello Kitty and sympathy sex from Asian chicks got my ass kicked more than once in high school. You’re not looking for a review of this game; you want a few defensible excuses to buy it. Well eff you category two, I’ve got the rest of you covered:

How to Justify Your Purchase of Halo2 for Windows Vista

You heard about the bare ass of Master Chief accessible through the level editor, and just thought you’d check it out to see if he really follows the glutes workout he outlined in Men’s Health. I only wish this was something I thought up. Yup, Microsoft knowingly let their own little hot coffee scandal slide onto the shelves. Only this one’s gay.

You’re buying it for the level editor. There is no level editor. Face!

You’re buying it to make your own levels. And then edit them, using the “level editor.” Microsoft isn’t about to let you bastardize their hard work, and they really don’t want you making Master Chief duck behind a large 3d model of a slab of bacon in your custom level, so they’ve set this thing up so that it only works with 3D Studio Max. Great for those of you trying to shed the Mo’ problems that Mo’ Money hangs out with. I don’t know how else you’d get your hands on an expensive 3D modeling program like this in order to create your level. A Problem two Ponder, I guess. The actual software is so counter intuitive to use, its only way of receiving input is dropping your keyboard into the toilet and flushing in binary. I played around with it for a few minutes and accidentally made Superman 64.

And just in case M$ really is trying to prevent bacon themed terrain, keep an eye on the internet for my custom downloadable level: “Team Breakfast Capture Assault.”

You love Halo 2, but hate your money. It’s well known that paper currency is dirtier than a urinal at a school for boys who lost their hands in factory accidents. And Microsoft makes it so damn easy. In addition to pretending like they stuck that price tag on a brand new game, they’ve even given you the chance to subscribe to Live Gold, not to use their servers for online play. No longer is M$ hosting games on their servers (Which arguably needed money to run.) You get to use your computer and bandwidth and pay them!

You’re buying it for the achievement points. This isn’t a put-on defense for some of you, is it? It’s actually true. If you’re that erect for points, perhaps I can encourage you to achieve two and a half lap dances instead of 1000 “points.” Look, I understand, and it’s not entirely wrong. You’re a guy, and beating your chest about your score is your nature whether it’s in touchdowns or turd pounds. (I’m not intentionally being sexist here by assuming all the readers are guys, but I would like to ask that if any women are reading this, double check down there for a penis.) Achievement points are there to help you get more replays out of a game, not a reason to (re) buy one. Make sure you’ve got all the achievement points from a weekend in Vegas before blowing cash on this one.

Okay, so I did a crap job of coming up with good excuses to buy Halo 2 for Windows Vista. Perhaps, just like the good games in the Superman franchise, there aren’t any.