GET PAID TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES!

I like having sex. Who doesn’t, right? (answer: Condoleezza Rice) That said, I don’t think that I would be a ho if it were somehow possible. I like to choose who I have sex with, and I don’t think I could do it all day, and it’s illegal and immoral and dirty and all that. Similarly, I like to play games, but I don’t think I’d want to be a game tester. For as long as I can remember, the reality of my gaming world has been shaped by the fact that most games simply suck, and are less fun than almost anything. I don’t want to play Virtua Tennis 3 for thirty minutes, let alone 40 hours. But there are many among us who believe that because you like doing an activity, then wanting to do it every day for months (and getting paid!) is some kind of gift from on high. I disagree. I don’t want to eat chocolate for 40 hours a week, take eight hour hot showers every day, etc.

But there are some among us who are dumb suckers. They think that providing detailed analysis of Goblin Commander: Unleash the Horde is something that they’re going to be able to brag to all their friends about. I’d like to think that most testers simply view this as a way to turn a buck, as in “hey, it’s better than telemarketing,” but my understanding is that many think it is the first step on the path to becoming the next Sid Meier. They think that something, perhaps their expert gamesmanship, is going to turn Peter Molyneux’s head around and he’s going to yell “You there! You’re going to be my personal assistant! Get on the line to EGM and tell them Fable 2 is going to be made entirely out of solid gold!”

Dumb suckers. Some of these suckers want to spend their time finding the bugs in Advent Rising so badly that they are willing to pay money for it. Yes these brilliant outside-the-box thinkers have come up with some crazy backwards-employment scheme to get the jobs of their dreams. Like “maybe if I can reverse the laws of this world, and pay you for the privilege of working, then the threads of reality will unfurl and I will finally get paid to play video games!!!!” Sites like www.gamertestingground.com and http://www.only4gamers.com will gladly take your money before crushing and humiliating you and your pathetic little dream. These sites will also tell you that you’ll make… $120 an hour? Please tell me you’re not that stupid. Unfortunately I know that as you read this some doofus is counting all the helicopters he’s going to buy after he starts hauling in that 6 figure game testing salary.

Then there are those sites that start off by telling you about all the scams that other people are trying to pull on you, only to turn around and try to pull the same trick. Like “isn’t that ridiculous that that guy is trying to sell you a soda for 10 dollars? What a jerk! I mean he’s just trying to take advantage of the fact that sodas are awesome and you need them! Luckily, I got a few for cheap and I can sell you one for just five bucks.” Often these sites will point out that they too had been had but they learned from their experience and will now impart their generous wisdom to you for only 30 dollars.

All of this has gotten me thinking… shouldn’t we here at videolamer be helping those less fortunate by offering exciting jobs in the industry? You can get paid to play video games (as long as you write about them) for only 30 dollars a month!!! We will pay you once the initial trial period is up. Or at the very least we could have some “this isn’t a paying job… yet” ads on craigslist so we can read everyone’s insightful articles about how the PS3 doesn’t have very good games.